After former Screws and Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan escaped without being charged from the time when he was in the editor’s chair and phone hacking was going on on an industrial scale, got away with his involvement in the Viglen share affair, survived being axed by CNN, and still managed to con ITV into thinking he was the reason Good Morning Britain had improved its ratings, one might think he would be happy with his lot.
Yes thanks, we know who you are. Now answer the Judge's questions
But that thought would have been misplaced: despite all those Slebs that Morgan mingles with, despite his propensity to name dropping ad infinitum - and, indeed, ad nauseam - and despite his occasional success in blagging a table at the Chiltern Firehouse so he can bore fellow diners crapless with loudly recounted tales of how famous he is, honestly, Morgan remains a thin-skinned and touchily jealous individual.
I got dissed by Piers WHO?
He does, however, know how to piggyback on the fame of real stars, and so regularly picks scraps with them on the off-chance they might give him the time of day. So it was when he went after John Oliver, who actually made it in the USA. “Watching John Oliver repeatedly say ‘we’ & ‘us’ when discussing America is comical. Mate, you were born in the Midlands to a pair of Liverpudlian parents & speak in a thick Brummie accent. You’re about as American as cricket & mushy peas, you shameless old fraud!” he whined.
“Shameless old fraud”? Oliver is 40. Morgan is 52. Do the math, as they say. His pal, Combover Crybaby Donald Trump, had grandparents who were not only not American, but whose first language was not English. Also, if Morgan thinks Oliver speaks in a “thick Brummie accent”, he’d be in deep trouble if he ever encountered one. Still, on he droned: “Oh, @iamjohnoliver can roast me as much as he likes - he's a funny guy. He just can't do it while pretending to be American”. He isn’t pretending to be anything. Unlike Morgan.
Then came a reminder that Oliver has made it in the USA, and Morgan didn’t. The spin machine was duly fired up. “6yrs on America's No1 summer show AGT … Won Celebrity Apprentice … Hosted 1300+ prime time shows at CNN”. And how exactly does that stack up alongside nine Emmies, a Peabody, and a slot on the 2015 Time 100? It doesn’t.
Moreover, Oliver has his Green Card, a wife who is a US citizen, and they have a child who is also a US citizen. He’s entitled to talk of “we” and “us” on that basis. No, Morgan was still not having any of that. “I'm not 'suggesting' anything. Oliver is not American. Fact”. He’s not making a pain in the arse of himself boasting about who he knows, either.
And he wasn’t finished. There was, after all, still the matter of excusing his failure to win over CNN’s viewers. For this, Morgan had an excuse. “Yes, I was asked to ease off about guns. I declined”. Yeah, right. When did John Oliver last “ease off about guns”? He’s been giving airtime to the students calling BS on the establishment inertia following the Parkland shootings. Nobody gives the gun lobby a harder time. This is lame in the extreme.
But it might get him a little more attention, and convince ITV’s bosses that he really is worth the grief he causes his co-workers on Good Morning Britain. So that’s all right, then.