It’s almost like a variation on the Monty Python sketch: “How to defend yourself against a man armed with … a milkshake”. I mean, what if he’s got a poin-ted stick? But for some of those hoping to become MEPs after Thursday’s European Parliament elections, milkshakes are a clear and present danger. If only for the cleaning bills.
Viewers may still want to look away now
After Stephen Yaxley Lennon, who styles himself Tommy Robinson, was milkshaked in Warrington - and by a Scary Muslim™ too - his security detail managed to prevent a recurrence, even confiscating at least one milkshake at a later event. Carl Benjamin, who styles himself Sargon of Akkad, has not been so fortunate, and has been milkshaked more than once. But out there on the paranoid right, someone thinks this is a problem.
To no surprise at all, the paranoia belongs to pro-am motormouth Katie Hopkins, who had until recently not had a problem with milkshakes, her Twitter feed littered with asides such as “they were lush - plus milkshake and fries” … “just gagged on my milkshake” … her children “are outside playing in the sunshine drinking milkshakes”.
She even used milkshakes as a way of sneering at Muslims. “My advice for women who choose to dress like letter-boxes? Order something easy to eat. Like soup, perhaps, with a straw. Or milkshake”. In Hatey Katie’s world, milkshakes were a benign thing.
But then came Lennon’s milkshake encounter, and the mood darkened. “Guardian & Mirror perfectly content to sell the story their readers want to hear … If you have watched the footage prior, you will know the truth is very different to Milkshake Man’s laundered version … This was assault. Egg man got 28 days behind bars”.
That was because Egg Man did not throw an egg at Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn - he was merely holding an egg while he punched his target. Not even remotely similar.
Then came terrible news from Burger King. “Dear people of Scotland … We’re selling milkshakes all weekend … Have fun … Love BK … #justsaying”. Ms Hopkins missed the next Tweet - “We’d never endorse violence - or wasting our delicious milkshakes! So enjoy the weekend and please drink responsibly people” - and instead the mood darkened.
“Your milkshakes … Leads to Muslim Defence League handing out eggs to use as missiles … Leads to a man dead on the pavement in a pool of his own blood. Killed for his views … Know this @BurgerKingUK”. Someone got killed by a milkshake? When? Where?
First they came for the milkshakes, but I did not speak out, because I was consuming my milkshake. No, doesn’t sound so dramatic. But it does seem that Hatey Katie is cool with making weapons easier to obtain, proving they don’t have a high lactose content.
Sad, though, to see paranoia seeping into the already troubled mind of has-beens taking a break from scrabbling around for anything that pays in money.
Calm down Katie, it’s only a milkshake. And you’re not even on telly.
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