Don’t Menshn Douglas Carswell

Will Douglas “Kamikaze” Carswell re-rat and by doing so rejoin the Tories? Who knows? But over in a reassuringly upmarket part of Manhattan, there is a more pressing problem for one resident with time on her hands, and that is to make her mind up as to whether UKIP’s sole Westminster representative is good, bad, or a slimeball. Welcome to the strange world of (thankfully) former Tory MP Louise Mensch.

(c) Doc Hackenbush 2014

Lou-You-Know-Who has been behind the curve on anything to do with Planet Kipper since the defections and associated by-elections last year, where she gave the impression the Tories were going to win both contests, which of course they did not. Then she managed not to pick up on the ructions that resulted in the departure of Raheem “Call me Ray” Kassam, despite knowing the bloke. So it has been with Carswell.

When he defected, she decided he was A Bad Person: “Douglas Carswell was always a bit of a slimeball. He organised referendums against Conservative MPs in very marginal seats from his safe one … What a self-indulgent, toys out of the pram, whiny Labour-supporting tosser Carswell is. Doubt Clacton will be impressed”. Wrong again.

But he was going to lose, wasn’t he? “Hopefully the Conservatives will beat Carswell the hypocrite in Clacton. However. If not, I can see one silver lining. Carswell v Farage”. Then he won, so she pretended he didn’t: “So Clacton basically Douglas Carswell gets exactly the same personal vote he got as a Tory, no change. Not #UKIP; Carswell”.

After Carswell then held the seat on Thursday of last week, it was time for a little reappraisal: “Oh I absolutely think @DouglasCarswell is a slimeball, but that is different from actually being dishonourable. He isn't the latter”. But then she changed tack yet again: “The senior party staffer said: 'This is #Carswell throwing his toys out of the pram because he thought Nigel wouldn't be leader any more'”. Must be dishonourable, then.

What about going back to the Tories? “Douglas Carswell won't go 'back to the Tories', I don't think. Will go indie. Doubt Tories would have him. Possible I guess”. Possible? Definite? Make your mind up. “I haven't changed my mind on Douglas Carswell at all. I still think he is a complete tosser, and I hope he's not allowed back to Tories”. Yeah, he’s a complete tosser! Not a good word for him. Er, hang on a minute, though.

Maybe he wan’t so bad after all: “RT @joshbroadway: Well done Douglas!! Douglas Carswell is a decent man. How long can he put up with Ukip?” He must be OK then, and what was that about going back to the Tories? “Douglas Carswell rejecting too much taxpayers' money is a good thing and makes it FAR more likely he would WIN any by-election vs Farage”. So he is going back to them, then. Or maybe not.

Louise Mensch could just admit that her knowledge of UKIP is no better than the last press report she’s read, rather than pretending to know one end of Kipper Land from the other. But that would mean admitting her ignorance. Which we all knew about already.