Toby Young Pre-School Paranoia

Amid the faux outrage at Momentum Kids, which is two Mums from Stroud organising child care so they can engage in the kinds of politics that affects them, and tens of thousands of similar people five days a week in school term, has been the demonstration that many of those doing the shock horror revulsion conform to Olbermann’s Dictum (“the right exists in a perpetual state of victimhood”), and are frankly paranoid with it.

More less than totally grown-up interventions from Tobes

And there is no finer exponent of victimhood and paranoia than the loathsome Toby Young, who went to pick up a Free School, but recently dropped it. Tobes sees the hand of the dreaded lefty liberal education machine at every turn, seeking to indoctrinate all those innocent children with its concepts of good conduct, tolerance, respect for the world around us, and generally not behaving like a Grade A Bellend.

So rather than join in the ranting at Momentum Kinds, Tobes took to Twitter to tell “All this humour/outrage at #TrotTots overlooks fact that schools/nurseries already indoctrinate tots with liberal left platitudes every day”. Lee Dargue was unimpressed: “out of interest, can you name 2 or 3 liberal indoctrinations?” He’s still waiting.

Laura McInerney, who used to be a Real Teacher (tm), took a yet more cynical view of Tobes’ paranoia: “It's true. Platitudes like BE NICE TO PEOPLE and WASH YOUR HANDS. The ratbags”. One of her fellow Tweeters added “Nothing more dangerous than a child learning to share toys and wait their turn”. Dead right. Fighting talk, that.

But into this world of excess idiocy there had to be one person who agreed with Captain Bellend, and to no surprise at all, that person was Julia Hartley Dooda, who whined “nonstop eco nonsense at my daughter's school”. A Tweeter called Tim was on hand with a plain English translation: “What is eco-nonsense? Do you mean teaching kids about recycling and renewable energy, or something else?” Quite.

Meanwhile, Tobes had been looking in a book of Very Long Words, and furthermore had plucked up the courage to engage with Laura McInerney: “I'm thinking of internationalism, environmentalism and, in non-religious schools, secular humanism”. Er, we’re talking tots here, Tobes, not AS-Levels. In any case, she had him figured out: “Isn't secular humanism equivalent to 'be nice to people’?” Got it in one.

But back he came, with “Not necessarily a bad thing! But idea that education, even early years, can ever be wholly apolitical is wrong”. Well, if you’re determined to see Reds Under The Bed, you’ll eventually convince yourself they are there. It was left to Mo, another cynical Tweeter, to tell Tobes what many by now felt: “and you wonder why no-one came on your stag-do”. A week with Tobes in Malaga. At least it wasn’t a fortnight.

There’s a reason why Tobes is called Captain Bellend. And that’s because he’s a bellend.