Last weekend we had the latest instalment in the soap opera that is the continuing relationship between Rochdale’s nominally Labour MP Simon Danczuk and his ex-wife Karen. They had had a serious domestic, he ended up in the local nick, she went to hospital, and then declined to press charges. So he walked free from the court in Orihuela and very soon was winging his way back to Britain.
Karen Danczuk: modest dresser
But in the world of Spanker Si and Kazza, that was never going to be all, not when there are opportunities to score More And Bigger Paycheques For Themselves Personally Now. Hence the not-at-all-coincidental appearance of a snapper from agency Fame Flynet in the Alicante area to snap Si drowning his sorrows at a local bar, and Kazza showing off her wounds, which look a lot nastier than “one small cut”.
And that is not all: both are keen to flog their side of whatever story they manage to cobble together to the highest bidder. You think I jest? While Simon Danczuk showed so little enthusiasm for his day job - the one we pay him to do - by Tweeting during his weekly constituency surgery, Kazza has been hard at work. Not actually working, you understand, but badgering the press into giving her another payday.
When will that payday come? Which is the gullible newspaper desperate enough to pony up the cash? And how much is she getting? I can reveal that Karen Danczuk has secured a deal with the Sun On Sunday, which should run her story tomorrow. And the reward for spilling some value of beans will be a fair old hill of them: £10,000 is the figure I’ve heard. Ten thousand quid. Just to tell Sun readers what they already know.
What will she tell the Murdoch doggies? Well, whatever it is, don’t expect it to be factually accurate: remember Kazza claimed that she would have to throw out her corner sofa after Si and his 22-year-old partner enjoyed a “romp” on it, or as most people call it, sex. At the time, the price of the sofa was claimed to be £6,000. You can get one for around £1,000. And it’s doubtful that she’ll actually throw it out.
Instead, expect self-justification: she really likes Spanker Si as a friend, she’s only doing it for the children (who, it seems, were in the apartment when last weekend’s domestic kicked off), she wasn’t entertaining the Spanish waiter at the apartment, honest, and definitely not when the kids were there, she’s trying her best to curtail Si’s drink problem (by making it worse), and her cuts were nothing worse than slipping on the soap.
There will also be self-promotion: Kazza will want to tell Sun readers about all the Sleb things that she may be up to in the coming weeks and months. And there has to be the inevitable raft of snaps from Fame Flynet, which will showcase Kazza showing off her unfeasibly large chest. Perhaps she will still pretend that she could be some use as a politician. But worth £10,000? There’s little chance of that.
And so the Danczuk soap opera continues. Or perhaps that should read “car crash”.