Boris Johnson - Pants On Fire

Those who look in regularly on Zelo Street will recall the trip made at the end of last month by London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson to the eastern part of Turkey - just the odd thousand and a bit miles away from the area he was elected to serve - and the exclusive he gave the Sun’s non-bullying political editor Tom Newton Dunn, telling that “Jihadis are just a bunch of wankers”.

Gosh readers, there's a burning smell! Oo-er!! Yikes!!!

Bozza’s not at all brilliant reasoning was that those who had piled off to join ISIS, or whatever it’s calling itself this week, were unable to avail themselves of female company - unlike Himself Personally Now - and so had to resort to twanging the wire in the privacy of their own bedrooms, accompanied only by a dirty book and a hanky. Not surprisingly, there was much adverse comment on Bozza’s allegations of log-flogging.

Some of this criticism was published by the deeply subversive Guardian, prompting Bozza to return to the Super Soaraway Currant Bun to register his displeasure. The dubiously researched product from Rupe’s downmarket troops is secreted away behind a paywall, but an enterprising source has taken a screen shot (see how that works, Rupe?), which tells me that Bozza is in urgent need of the nearest fire extinguisher.

“I meant no disrespect to the world’s wankers, who presumably number the blissful majority of the human race … but I certainly did intend to be rude about Jihadis” he explains, before telling “So I was utterly amazed to be attacked, on the front page of the Guardian, by a woman claiming to be from the Muslim Council of Britain. She said I had been offensive to Muslims. How the hell can that be so?”

There was more, I’m afraid: “My great-grandfather was a proud Muslim. He knew the Koran by heart. If the Muslim Council of Britain, or someone purporting to speak for them, cannot see the distinction between peace-loving Muslims and the kind of headcases who are drawn to the conflict in Syria and Iraq, we are all in trouble”. Not as much in trouble as the idiots who didn’t read the Guardian article, and didn’t check Bozza’s copy.

That article, under the joint by-lines of Frances Perraudin and Shiv Malik, did not include comments from anyone connected to the Muslim Council of Britain. The two contacted were Charlie Winter from the Quilliam Foundation, which counters and challenges extremism, and Mohammed Khaliel of community cohesion organisation Islamix. So Bozza got the wrong gender as well as the wrong organisation.

Boris Johnson made it all up. His allegations against the Guardian are a straight-A pack of lies. Worse, either nobody at the Sun checked it, or they applied the principle of Kelvin McFilth and just chucked it in anyway. Now, the Sun telling whoppers is only to be expected. But for a politician who, despite his driving the issue around the houses, would rather like to be Prime Minister, that’s not good enough.

Bozza’s trouser replacement bill must be pretty steep. Because that’s another pair on fire.