Piers Morgan Protests Too Much

After he was given the presenter’s role at next month’s Royal Television Society programme awards, only to find there was significant resistance to his product offering, former Screws and Daily Mirror editor and three-days-a-week co-host of ITV’s Good Morning Britain Piers Morgan decided on Sunday afternoon that, on reflection, he would pass on the gig and announced his withdrawal from the event.

Mr Happy wants you to know HE IS NOT UNHAPPY

Much of the press coverage focused on what had caused The Great Man to throw in the towel when he is normally not averse to heading towards the sound of spoken and written gunfire - as well as being prepared to take every opportunity to further the promotion of Himself Personally Now. Had it been the petition (doubtful)? Had RTS members leaned on the charity (possible)? Had he jumped rather than being pushed (ditto)?

Whatever the reason, Morgan was not, repeat not, REPEAT NOT going to make a big deal of it. No, not at all. No sirree. “I have great respect for the acting profession. I just don't think actors' political views are any more important than anyone else’s" he sniffed, not complaining at all, before acknowledging praise for his return to GMB: “Makes a nice change from people howling for me to be banned”. Sniff! Blub! Snot fair!

And this was a mere entrée: soon it was all being blamed on his apologies for Combover Crybaby Donald Trump. “Does seem odd that awards show hosts should now be chosen based purely on the strength of their anti-Trump hatred”. To one Tweeter who suggested he had bailed out too early, he again sniffed “It's a fairly hollow victory to demand someone be banned for not sharing your opinions”. Anyone got a nanoviolin?

There was more, and once again the temptation to use the word “Liberal” as a term of abuse overwhelmed The Great Man: “What's so bizarre is this hysteria is coming from liberals who profess to stand for free speech & tolerance”. Even Gary Lineker’s gentle teasing - suggesting someone else would have to give Ewan McGregor his award - could not lift the gloom: “They can get JK Rowling to do [it] instead”. Sniff! Sob!

Hark at Mr Happy, eh? Then Tony Robinson criticised the RTS for inviting him in the first place, and Morgan snapped: “Oh pipe down, Baldrick - you sanctimonious old fool. I criticise Trump when he's wrong & defend him from absurd hysteria”. And he wasn’t really being hounded: “I don't mind being hounded. I'm not a victim here. But I do find it odd behaviour from those who supposedly espouse free speech & tolerance”.

Plus he wasn’t sneering at the Independent: “Oh, yes, I'm SO embarrassed that a bunch of howling Trump-loathing liberals wanted me banned from hosting a charity awards night”. And then came the final, delusional, pièce de résistance: “I've always been rational re Trump. It's everyone else who's been losing their mind”. I AM BIG - IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL. Yes, Piers Morgan was channelling Norma Desmond all along.

He’s not at all sore about losing his latest self-promotion opportunity. And if anyone says otherwise, he’ll whine and sniff until they get so fed up they let him do the gig anyway.