The reality of what life outside the EU might mean became a little clearer last week, after the Autumn Statement revealed an impending increase in Government indebtedness and the prospect of a decade-long pay squeeze, meaning all those hard working readers of the Murdoch Sun facing a drop in their living standards, fewer nights out, forgetting all those long haul holidays, and no more lording it over mainland Europeans.
Why did Kavanagh cross the road? To score more and bigger paycheques for Himself Personally Now
But the Murdoch goons are still telling readers that this is all “Project Fear”, and what we really face is wall-to-wall good news. So to keep everyone’s spirits up, faithful retainer Trevor Kavanagh has been sent out to do what he does best - talk well, and lie badly. “Brexit Britain is going to need a hero … time to unleash Boris Johnson” is his refrain.
The idea of “unleashing” someone who has proved that he is terminally inept is the first sign that Kavanagh has been on something not only strong, but perhaps even illegal, something that is confirmed by his continuing “Right now, Britain needs a cheerleader … It need not be Mrs May herself who takes on this role. She has a Foreign Secretary who is designed and built to keep up public spirits”. Do go on.
“He should be unleashed without constraint on his jokes or his ripe language. They are what give him star quality”. Which won’t succeed in the hard-nosed negotiations to come. Try again. “EU negotiators pretend to be grumpy, but they love him, too. He speaks their languages, after all”. Why, do they all speak Pidgin Latin? But there’s more.
“In any case, we don’t need to keep our cards close to our chest. We hold nearly all the trumps. We can tell Brussels what we want and let them decide how to respond”. We can indeed tell Brussels what we want. And they can go into Smash advert mode.
“The UK has plenty of ammunition. Pessimists search for dark clouds behind the silver lining but nobody can ignore our boom in jobs, growth, exports and retail sales since the referendum”. Like what? “Jaguar plans 10,000 new jobs and a million new cars a year”. Bullshit. Jaguar has guaranteed precisely zero new jobs and will only consider some if the Government bungs it £450 million in bribes (remember the Nissan non-deal?).
“America, Canada, India and Australia are queuing to sign trade deals”. Bullshit. NONE of these countries is queuing to sign a trade deal. Any more whoppers? “China wants to splurge £4billion on a new Canary Wharf”. It just hasn’t committed as much as 5p yet, though. Still, minor point, eh Trev? Oh look, here comes another porkie.
“German firms want to expand here too and are begging Chancellor Angela Merkel to cut a deal with us”. Are they stuff. Name one (he can’t). Have another go. “In addition, the PM has more subtle cards to play … The EU is perhaps already in a death spiral”. Like the collected goons at the Murdoch press have been pretending for decades. It isn’t
“Squabbling EU states need us more than we need them”. No EU member states are squabbling. “Chancellor Merkel is terrified of being left alone with France and the others without our £14billion a year to keep them afloat”. Yeah, she looks dead scared. Not.
All that Bozza would do is screw it up a bit more - if the PM and her pals had the first idea what they were doing, which they haven’t. So stuff off Kav, and get real for once.
Screw Kavanagh, the best advice thicko Johnson ever received came from Ken Bigley's brother who told him, "Get out of public life."
That was after his party leader told him to go and apologise to the people of Liverpool for a typically tedious tory attack on them. Needless to say he ended up leaving the city with his tail curled between his legs and wedged firmly in his anal canal. As did the Sun.
With that as background the idea that a Sun boot boy goon is worth listening to is hugely funny.
All the EU negotiators need to do is leave Johnson to make a complete public school moron of himself. He does it every time he opens his mouth.
So, what he is saying is we need a clown to cheer us up to counter all the good news. Is that right?
IIRC Toby Young did a "Bozza can cheer us all up" piece shortly after he was appointed Foreign Secretary. As if a core aspect of the role is acting as the national court jester.
In my mind's eye, the notion of Mother Theresa as a cheerleader is very, very disturbing.
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