Boris Talks Exclusive Wank

In the clearest sign yet that Creepy Uncle Rupe does not think Young Dave and his jolly good chaps will win May’s General Election, the Sun’s non-bullying political editor Tom Newton Dunn has been accompanying London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson on manoeuvres, which means some distance away from where Bozza should be in City Hall. From this, he has garnered two alleged exclusives.

Cripes chaps, I wonder if it makes you forgetful?

And the second of these is lame, even by Newton Dunn’s piss-poor standards: he has brought Sun readers the news that Bozza has been talking about masturbation, a subject close to the heart of at least one former faithful Murdoch retainer, or even close to the right hand. Yes, Bozza has confided in the Sun’s political editor his conclusion that British jihadis spend too much time punishing Percy in the palm.

“Jihadists are just a bunch of w*****s” screams the headline, which is rather confusing for those who might think words like workers or wizards should not need blanking out. Even the sub-heading, “BoJo reveals the secret shame of fanatics”, is a little coy. Fortunately, the deeply subversive Guardian has lifted the initially paywalled story (see how that works, Rupe?) to reveal “Boris Johnson: jihadis are porn-watching ‘wankers’”.

I can’t wait to hear the details. “Boris Johnson has described men who go to fight with Islamic State as ‘literally wankers’ who watch porn because they can’t meet women. Citing a report from MI5 on the profile of jihadis, the mayor of London said: ‘If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally wankers. Severe onanists’”. Yikes readers!

While some might find it mildly interesting that the spooks see some followers of The Prophet as ditching the Qur’an in favour of a dirty book and a hankie, excitedly flogging their logs in the privacy of their bedrooms, the thought enters that the one talking applied wank is actually Bozza himself. MI5 are not going to give him access to their assessments only for him to loose off his North And South about it in the Sun.

And it’s deeply hypocritical of the Sun to try calling out others for excessive twanging of the wire when they splash industrial amounts of Phwoar! related photos all over every issue of their paper. If lads can’t afford a real wank mag, there’s always the Sun. No, this not-worth-the-exclusive-tag article is just upmarket Bullingdon bully boy Bozza peddling the age-old puerile put-down - because he’s a real man, dontcha know?

I mean, Bozza wouldn’t be seen nipping to the Gents to pull himself off when there are all those rather fine young fillies to chase after and hump, eh readers? After all, it’s only a bit of sport, Wifey won’t find out, won’t be any more of those Petronella malarkies, nod’s as good as a wink, just keeping the British end up and all that. Crikey chaps, no need for Beano Bozza to have one off the wrist, or at least, that’s what the Sun’s being told.

Newton Dunn should be able to do better than this. What a complete and utter wanker.