The gammonati of the Tory right were summoned to 10 Downing Street yesterday afternoon to receive the latest spiffingly (or perhaps that should have been spaffingly) good news on the Brexit deal brought forth by alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. What they heard, sadly, did not please them one bit. And for one especially Gammon-inflicted individual, there was no hiding his disappointment.
For Mark François (note cedilla under the c), this was the realisation that he had been played for a fool, which, as Bozo The Clown was doing the playing, cannot have been all that difficult. The UK would not be leaving the EU come hell or high water, or even under any other condition, at the end of October. There would be more concessions to Brussels. And Bozo would have to send That Letter requesting an Article 50 extension.
How could this happen? François (note cedilla under the c) had looked Bozo in the eye. He’d been told we would leave at the end of October. The Tweeter known as Brexitshambles was not sympathetic. “Dear Twitter friends, Light a candle tonight for ickle-itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-toy soldier Mark François … Or just laugh. Very loudly”. Parody Boris Johnson added “Mark Francois is upset because my proposed plan does not include an invasion of Normandy”. Winshton shaysh NEVAH!
From that point, the ridicule came galloping. Brian Moore mused “A huge downside of Brexit is the infliction of Mark Francois on us all”. Peter Smith asked “Surely Mark Francois VC can't accept a worse Brexit deal than the ones he's voted against 3 times? He didn't survive the Falklands, El Alamein and Rorke's Drift to surrender so easily”.
Daniel Edwards was briefly concerned. “Mark Francois is upset he still hasn't received his Victoria Cross medal for single-handedly storming the beaches of Normandy on D-Day”. Or maybe he wasn’t. John Spiers added “Mark François not looking happy after realising what we knew all along, that Boris Johnson is a massive liar”.
Former MP Matthew Green observed “Looks like the Deputy Chairman of the ERG, Mark Francois has discovered how little he knows about Europe, realises he’s not done his research, and a former member of his group, Johnson, has just sold them down the river”. Wolfie reckoned that “Mark Francois is fully expected to go full on Violet Beauregarde later today. He should be ready for juicing at approximately 2.30”. And there was more.
Graham Lithgow reckoned “Two things - Any deal that didn't mean immediately declaring war on Germany wouldn't be good enough for Mark Francois - Mark Francois shouldn't be allowed to walk anywhere without being accompanied by a curious man keeping the beat with a tuba” (surely “Euphonium”? - Ed). And actor Con O’Neill concluded “Mark Francois angrily waddling along has all the gravitas of a used condom in a puddle”.
Cruel. Cruel but fair. Mark François (note cedilla under the c) thought he was a player, a real influence, someone who would be taken seriously. He would bring his intellect to bear on the Brexit question, and by doing so, would show those pundits who dismissed him as no more than an over-promoted slab of gammon who was really boss.
And when it came to seeing who was really boss, it wasn’t him. What a complete mug.
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