Nigel Farage - No, No, No, No, No

Last Thursday’s General Election was not a good one for some political parties, and for the motley convocation of saloon bar propper-uppers that is UKIP, this was most definitely a campaign which progressed not necessarily to their advantage. By the time the votes had been tallied, the Kippers found themselves with hundreds of lost deposits and a vote share that had collapsed from over 12.5% of the vote to a paltry 1.8%.

Squeaky Federal rap finger up the bum time

Thus was the bubble of jolly intolerance finally burst, and as a result it was not a great surprise when one of the few not to suffer a lost deposit, party leader Paul Nuttall, the “Bad Bootle Meff”, announced his resignation. He deleted his Twitter account as well, just to be on the safe side. UKIP had no MPs before the election, it never looked like getting any elected, and had become so irrelevant it was hardly on the radar.

So would the Kippers now fade away into obscurity? Who would want to lead a party which had lost any Parliamentary representation, and had recently lost scores of Councillors in a grim round of local elections? But you know the answer to that one: cometh the hour, cometh the gobshite, and there waiting in the wings with pint, cig and flapping North and South was the inevitable presence of Nigel “Thirsty” Farage.

Nige had made UKIP great before. He would do so again. He alone could persuade the broadcasters to grant him airtime to peddle his only-telling-it-like-it-is man of the people schtick, as if on a never-ending tape loop. And even before the polls closed, the Independent reported “Nigel Farage hints he could return as Ukip leader 'if Brexit is not delivered … If Theresa May does as well with Brexit as she did with immigration... then I may well say the job's unfinished’. But both he, and we, know it won’t be that easy.

Farage was caught trying to slip in and out of the Ecuadorian embassy earlier this year, visiting Julian Assange. The speculation that he might be a go-between serving both the Trump Gang and even the Russians intensified. And then the FBI declared that he was a “person of interest”. There were furious denials. They should not waste their breath.

My information is Nigel Farage has been under FBI investigation since July 2016.

I am also reliably informed that Farage has met with the Russian ambassador and his staff on more than one occasion, and even met at the Russian embassy. I have been passed the name of his handler, details of a recent visit he is alleged to have made to Moscow, and his rumoured sudden desire to get himself lawyered up.

Moreover, I’ve been told that the Russian ambassador’s staff have attended UKIP gatherings, all of which ties in with reports that the gangster régime of Vladimir Vladimirovitch Putin has been seeking alliances, formal or otherwise, with the western European far right. All of which means that UKIP should find him too hot to handle.

But then, desperate times, desperate measures, and all that. The Kippers might be unable to persuade anyone else to take on the leadership, although they’ll have to act quickly.

After all, it wouldn’t look good to install him, only for the extradition warrant to drop through the UKIP headquarters letterbox the next day. Allegedly.