Michael Ashcroft gave the Tories millions. He got not unadjacent to Sweet Fanny Adams in return. So it was no surprise to find that a new biography of Young Dave, which he co-authored with hack Isabel Oakeshott, is not exactly full of good news for the PM. Worse for Cameron, Ms Oakeshott has dug up a most interesting initiation ritual undergone by Dave on his admission to an Oxford University dining club.
(c) Doc Hackenbush 2014
Worse again, the story has surfaced in the Daily Mail, where legendarily foul mouthed editor Paul Dacre has still not been given the gong that he believes is rightfully his. Readers are told Dave “got involved in the notorious Oxford dining society, the Piers Gaveston, named after the lover of Edward II, which specialises in bizarre rituals and sexual excess”. How bizarre would that be, perchance?
“A distinguished Oxford contemporary claims Cameron once took part in an outrageous initiation ceremony at a Piers Gaveston event, involving a dead pig. His extraordinary suggestion is that the future PM inserted a private part of his anatomy into the animal’s mouth”. Do go on. “The source - himself an MP - first made the allegation out of the blue at a business dinner in June 2014”. Who might that have been?
How many MPs are there who were contemporaries of Cameron at Oxford, and who knew him well? I spy with my little eye something beginning with B. Yikes readers! But, as Clive James might have said, I digress: the meme of Porky Cameron the pig f***er was off and squealing, er, running. The #piggate hashtag is all over Twitter this morning. Who would step up to the plate and bravely defend the Prime Minister?Sadly for Dave, that person turned out to be (thankfully) former Tory MP Louise Mensch, who waded in to the fray to show everybody that she knew more than they did. “‘David Cameron smoked a spliff in college.’ Hold the front page, @mailonline. Oh, you did? Carry on then #fail” she wibbled, alluding to the claim by James “saviour of Western civilisation” Delingpole that he and Cameron had smoked weed together.
Then came the main course: “‘Claims to have seen photographic evidence’ reminds me of those nappy/rocking-horse @GuidoFawkes stories ie purest bullsh*t. Or pigsh*t :) … Let's be clear that the story is rubbish, number one. And number two if it isn't, to quote the anti-nowhere league, ‘So f****** what?’ … Indeed, who cares? Apart from the food waste obvs”. So that’s her fellow Sunday Sun pundit duly insulted, then.
Besides, it was only rotten lefties who were pissing themselves laughing at the idea of Dave sticking his penanga in a dead pig’s North and South: “Ah, seems like desperate lefties bought #piggate in a poke. I read Mail. That ‘story’ in all its credible glory”. This from the same pundit who claimed “sorry, a student is a grown-up”. That’s just in case she wheels out the “youthful indiscretion” line.
Why on earth is she even touching this story? And, as Jon Stewart might have said, two things here. One, Jeremy Corbyn apparently became a vegetarian after working on a pig farm, and two, er, “but Happy Chinese New Year to all my Chinese followers! I am a Pig apparently #saynomoresquire”. Yes, we’ll say no more. We don’t need to.
[UPDATE 1150 hours: It seems my allusion to the involvement of London's increasingly occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has not been the only one, and Emily Ashton has conveyed a dismissal of the great man's involvement.
"Source close to Boris completely denies rumours he leaked #piggate story. 'He had nothing to do with the Piers Gaveston group'" she tells.
That's a most interesting denial, because, in an article first published back in 2012, and authored by one Dan Jones, he tells "The Gaveston’s alumni include Hugh Grant, Private Eye editor Ian Hislop, various MPs and the present Mayor of London" [my emphasis].
Moreover, the article concerned was published by the Telegraph. That's the same paper that bungs Bozza a cool quarter of a million a year for his piss-poor weekly ramblings.
So the question remains: did Bozza drop Dave in the crap to Ms Oakeshott, someone he knows well? As the Eye might have put it, I think we should be told]