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Saturday 23 March 2019

Andrew Pierce - You’re A Genius

Never say that the art of investigative journalism is dead: at the Daily Mail, one brave and fearless voice has shown that it’s not just about churnalism, but real discovery of solid, hard evidence, and the ability to speak truth to, er, something. From the Northcliffe House bunker has stepped the figure who may even in future become a legend in his own lunchtime, the room-clearing presence that is Andrew Pierce.
Stop Brexit? Ooh, I never thought of that!

The Wolf Cub Bluebottle of today’s hacks has been studying the machinations of those dastardly people at the so-called Peoples’ Vote campaign, and has made a groundbreaking discovery. “#peoplesvote now argue in favour of revocation of Articke [sic] 50. the mask slips. the truth outs. They want to stop Brexit”. Electric lightbulb lights up above head, flish flash flash it goes! What an intellect!
Or perhaps that should read “What, an intellect?” Jolyon Maugham was in awe of this revelation. “Your forensic skills are truly matchless. Do they call you Andrew 'Sherlock' Pierce in the office?” No, they call him Shithead, but hey ho. James West was also impressed. “Really? Wow. Who’d have thought. Blow me down with a feather”.
Or maybe not. Paul Logan was in the “maybe not” category. “Don't you just love it when the penny drops with these so called political pundits”. Another Tweeter put it more directly. “In other news, the sky is up, coffee is a hot beverage, and the Pope maybe Catholic”.
Then came the memes, typical being a Friends one telling the world “That is brand new information”, and yes, a Sherlock one responding simply “You don’t say”.
Elsewhere, the tone became slightly mocking, which Pierce totally deserved. “Wow. You’re SO clever to have worked that out all by yourself”. Another responder agreed. “My but you're sharp! There's no hiding from you!” In Pierce’s defence, for a Daily Mail pundit to actually display the ability to think, without being told what to think, is truly exceptional. During the terror of the legendarily foul mouthed Paul Dacre, no-one dared commit any copy to print unless they had first had the Line To Take handed down from on high.
Still, on with the mockery.  Andrew Katz asked “You mean the mask that had STOP BREXIT printed in 200-point neon-highlighted block poster type, with an ode-to-joy klaxon going off every five minutes? That mask?” while another overawed Tweeter (no, not really overawed) said simply “My god. We have Colombo among us”.
We do? Just one more thing, then. John Dougherty had to ask why anyone should want to stop that wonderful Brexit that the likes of Pierce spent so much time extolling. “Gosh. I wonder why? I mean, it all seems to be going so well”. But he wasn’t taking the Mail pundit seriously, either. And another Tweeter was on hand to administer the Coup de Grace: “No flies on you.......but you can see where they’ve been”. Ouch!
Andrew Pierce is almost totally devoid of original thought. Most of what he says when allowed on to the airwaves is a product of his engaging waffle autopilot. Yet his opinion is sought out by broadcasters. Now you know why TV punditry is so badly broken.
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Anonymous said...

Pierce?......As sharp as a ball of wet cotton, as lethal as an attack launched by a dying moth.

The Kenneth Williams of the Heil rent boys.

The Toffee said...

There's no flies on andrew pierce, alright...

Because even flies have standards.

Sheffield Mole said...

"The Wolf Cub Bluebottle of today’s hacks"! Nice one Tim. He's been deaded.