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Friday 16 November 2018

The Sad Decline Of Harry Cole

After he had made it known that the Brexit withdrawal agreement negotiated by the Government of which he is a member had incurred his displeasure, the Member for times long past Jacob Rees Mogg stepped out of Parliament to bask in the limelight of a press conference yesterday. Many hacks with nothing better to do paid court, including one prematurely bloated specimen who at first looked unrecognisable.
Young man no more

Many photos of Rees Mogg holding forth had this figure in shot. But who was he? Who was this pimply slab of executive Gammon in an unwilling suit? The faux furrowed brow, the lack of notepad, the pretentiously slicked-back Barnet, all looked strangely familiar. And then came the recognition. Yes, that bulging overdraft was instantly recognisable - it was the odious flannelled fool Master Harry Cole, who claims to be a journalist.
Was it really Cole? Could this be the same amateur human being who stood before the cameras less than four years ago showing off his young, svelte self? Where had all the bellies come from? How could someone just 33 years old have acquired such extensive and indeed premature middle aged spread? The presence of beanpole Rees Mogg only made Cole look even more as if he were as broad as long.
Has the continuing pretence that he is a Real Journalist (no sniggering at the back, please) taken such a toll? Is Cole beginning to get a conscience over all the whoppers that appear under his by-line in the Super Soaraway Currant Bun? Has he been missing the asparagus, green beans and hummus from his Pret order? Has the light ranch dressing become something less light? Has the Diet Coke been unceremoniously ditched?
What happened to the large salad leaves he used to insist on? Has he been dodging them? Or is this some kind of metamorphosis in which he begins to more closely resemble his old boss, the perpetually thirsty Paul Staines? But enough of the speculation: what can be said about Master Cole’s current state is that it cannot be doing him any good. Some of us may enjoy taking the piss, but he is leaving himself open to all kinds of problems.
Diabetes - ask Tom Watson - is one of those stalking folks carrying excess baggage. Heart disease is another, and were I a betting man, I would wage good money on Master Cole and hypertension medication not being in proximity to one another right now. The toll on the body of being far more Gammon than necessary can be irreversible.
Still, that’s what you get after all those years of lying, smearing, threatening, bullying, and all those other less than totally savoury habits that Master Cole gets up to. He had every opportunity to retract his defamatory smear of this blog, but declined to do so. But when his tail was tweaked some time later, he was shouting the odds and demanding retractions - then having his lawyer send a threatening letter (which got him nowhere).

Being a terminally unpleasant and untrustworthy slob can do terrible things to one’s wellbeing, however good the media opportunities. Sad, really.
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Roy said...

Is ridiculing Cole's weight really necessary? Aren't his actions and allegiances big enough targets?

Anonymous said...

Very poor form, Tim. Dressing up a personal attack on an individual via their appearance with some faux concern for their health is beneath you.

Tell you what, Tim - post a picture of yourself. Then we can choose to mock you if we so desire.

Jaxster said...

The last picture he looks like an overinflated Declan Donnelly

MikeD said...

"Yes, that bulging overdraft was instantly recognisable.." but you didn't recognise him instantly? Just a pedantic point, keep up the good work.

J said...

Its probably comfort eating... after all he found out his missus was shagging Alexander De-piffle Johnson.

The mere thought of Alexander De-piffle Johnson shagging anyone is enough to put me of my food, as is the thought of anyone shagging 'arry Cole, but each to their own I guess.

Anonymous said...

Under normal circumstances one would have sympathy for such obvious physical deterioration.

Then one remembers all the lies and smears peddled by the rotund one.

After which, one notes the fat gett would rock himself to sleep if he fell over.

In short, fuck him.

keith said...

Don't be hard on him, Tim, we all put on a few pounds as we get older.

Poor old Harry, staying late at work writing up Boris's latest wheeze. Do you think Boris sent him stories late in the day knowing Harry would have to work late so he could pop round with a couple of bottles of champagne to *visit* his partner (that's what I've heard).

Old Boris has been very silent these past few days, I wonder if he's been visiting the partners of other journalists as well. We'll never know given the omerta in Fleet Street about the errant Johnson.

Anonymous said...

"negotiated by the Government of which he is a member had incurred his displeasure, the Member for times long past Jacob Rees Mogg"

Your eagerness on this hit-job on the odious Mr Cole has obviously distracted you from your writing.

Mr Rees Mogg is a member of the governing party but he is not a member of the Government. Must do better!

Colin The Bat

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 21:19.

That'll be the party that formed the government and which therefore is held responsible for its actions. Which makes "The Minister For 1951" a de facto member of that government whether he wishes to change its leader or not.

Hope this helps.

The Toffee said...

cole - 33?

F*** me, he must've had a shit paper round.