Don’t Menshn The New Bond Woman

While our free and fearless press in the UK is trying to invent more creative ways to generate sales and clicks, over in a reassuringly expensive corner of Manhattan, one person has figured out how to muscle in on the latter market, even though it means surrendering every last vestige of her credibility: step forward (thankfully) former Tory MP Louise Mensch, now busy immersing herself in wacko conspiracy theories.

Ms Mensch has decided that she alone will bring down Combover Crybaby Donald Trump over his links with Russia, and to this end has got rather ahead of herself - and the bounds of credibility - in her pretence that she is some kind of ace secret agent. She isn’t, but she makes an entertaining sideshow, although the genuine anti-Trump resistance has long abandoned her, preferring to base its campaigning in reality.

Today’s diet of rank idiocy was all anyone needed to see in order to know that she was away with the fairies. The subject du jour? “@DeripaskaOleg is backed into a corner and is panicking”. Why so? “Serving @USNavy intel reservist who leaked two FISA warrants to me on behalf of @DeripaskaOleg and Beacon Global Strategies … And then tweeted that he did so in an attempt to smear @Evan_McMullin, thereby releasing me from my obligation of confidentiality to him”. Not so fast, 007. But, er, do carry on.

Her politics were irrelevant, “And I see nothing conservative about treason”. Besides, this is important, as “Since @deripaskaoleg is hiring PR agencies on me he needs to know that it won't work and will make it worse for him. Much worse”. Yeah, right.

But then came the development she had been waiting for! “He blocked me after this … SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES”. The significance of this is what, exactly? “I cannot fucking believe this … social media is a continuous opsec fail. Despite his tiny, locked account, Oleg Deripaska, enemy of America, just blocked me”. Er, so what?

Er, because she thinks this is so important, it merits hoisting the flag and solemnly chanting “I stand under the protection of the United States and fear no man”. That’s because your townhouse has that security system that never got hacked, remember? Nah, she’s off reprising “I publicly called out his messenger boy for leaking two ultra secret FISA warrants to me before the election on his behalf”. Wibble, wibble, she’s a hatstand.

Still, she was certain that Deripaska blocking her on Twitter was validation of her batshit conspiracy mongering, so much so that a little pretentiousness was warranted: “I just got Oleg DERIPASKA to block me after talking about how he leaked FISA warrants to me. Just call me @jaketapper, I get 'em to talk”. As if Jake Tapper gives a flying foxtrot.

Could she top this for idiocy? You betcha, says Sarah: “Exclusive: GCHQ Has Complete Recordings of Donald Trump Jr and Kushner’s Russia Meeting”. And with that, the case of the Crown versus Louise Mensch was proven. Especially when she finished off with “Hi @realDonaldTrump you are a child abuser. And a traitor. Secretary Clinton will be on her porch looking at sunsets while you die in jail”.

I knew Trump was a misogynist SOB, a bully, a congenital liar and a total charlatan. But that doesn’t make him a child abuser. Louise Mensch is out to a very long lunch.