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Wednesday 29 April 2020

Look Over There - It’s A Boy!

Criticism of alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and his less than 100% attendance record - even before he was laid low with the Coronavirus - has not gone away; indeed, with Government handling of the pandemic also coming under fire, the critics were becoming yet bolder. How could some kind of diversion be fashioned, to get our free and fearless press to Look Over There, away from the Bozo Balls-Ups?
Carrie Symonds

But of course, there was Bozo The Clown’s partner Carrie Symonds, in the advanced stages of pregnancy. If only she could be delivered of her child, then the critical gaze of the voters would be diverted. Moreover, there would be another opportunity for the happy couple to pretend that they loved the NHS. And so, with the kind of timing only a former Tory Party spinner could deploy, Ms Symonds was indeed delivered of a child.

In a miraculous transformation, headlines were rewritten, criticism was swept away, and the voice of Bob Danvers Walker was exhumed to proclaim “A new addition to the Downing Street family … Congratulations to the happy couple … Mother and Baby are doing well”. The grovelfest had begun in earnest. Look over there! Aaahh!
Crikey chaps, it's one of those baby things, they're sort of this shape

Mail Online led the advance of the crawlers with “CARRIE AND BORIS HAVE BABY BOY”, telling readers “Prime Minister Boris Johnson's fiancée Carrie Symonds today gave birth to a 'healthy' baby boy at an NHS hospital in London today - weeks earlier than anticipated. Mr Johnson is said to have been by his 32-year-old fiancee's side throughout the labour before their son entered the world in the early hours of this morning”. There was more.

The safe arrival of their child, Carrie's first and Boris' sixth*, has come as a shock because Miss [!] Symonds was expected to give birth later in the summer, although a due date was never confirmed by the couple”. Er, *wouldn’t be too sure about that.
Could anyone out-grovel Mail Online? Ah, but that would be to reckon without the Murdoch Sun: the occupants of the Baby Shard bunker are fully invested in The Adoration Of The Boris. So it was that the Sun website proclaimed “DOWNING TREAT … ‘Thrilled’ Boris at Carrie’s side as she gives birth to baby boy this morning”.

The Murdoch goons also manage perhaps the most pointless aspect of the event: “The bookies are already taking odds on Boris Johnson's son becoming a future PM. Coral have given odds of 8-1 that Boris and Carrie's boy will reach No10 one day. While the firm has Alexander as the 3-1 favourite in their name betting of the baby. James is 4-1, while George can be backed at 5-1”. Not Harry, then? I wonder why not?
More pointless news came from the Sun, with “HOLLY Willoughby has sent her best wishes to Boris Johnson on the birth of his baby boy with fiance [sic] Carrie Symonds. Within seconds of the new arrival being announced by Downing Street, Phillip Schofield revealed the happy news to This Morning viewers”.

As Sir Sean nearly said, I think we got the point. The happy news will be plastered across the right-wing press, with everyone else having to mention it to avoid being denounced as unpatriotic killjoys. Meanwhile, there were 586 Covid-19 hospital deaths yesterday.

You don’t need to ask what will be on front pages tomorrow. Buy a cup of coffee instead.
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Steve Woods said...

Poor Carrie Symonds.

She now has two children to look after.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't give a shit about any of it or the participants.

Arnold said...

We were told that the birth was due in early summer, at least four weeks away. The MSM seems oddly unconcerned that the baby could be two months premature.

Anonymous said...

Another single mother in a taxpayer funded house.........come on Daily Mail, get the torches and pitchforks out!

Zoe Paleologa said...

It's not just the right wing press - the Grauniad's Martin Kettle does a fine turn as a lickspittle when he opines: "It would require a heart of stone not to be moved by such a story of illness and new life."

Guess that makes me a flint-hearted bitch, then. I could not care less about Johnson, Symonds or their spawn.

Senua said...

Sorry more concerned about my family,a number of whom are self isolating as they are in the vulnerable group. One has a 4 months old baby. None are well off. Distraction for the masses.

Gallowglaich said...

"Carrie's first and officially Boris's sixth". In fact Sasha-Borisova has 126 bastard offspring, scattered around the Globe, like so much human detritus. There are some freakish looking triplets in Yakutsk it is rumoured, the issue of a brief dalliance with a high level nuclear scientist's spy-daughter in a bunker during KGB exercises related to SMERSH activities off Nova Zemlya.

iMatt said...

Congratulations! It's a bastard!

Robin said...

I wonder how the press would respond to a (serial) married female PM having an affair and conceiving (yet another) child with someone 23 years younger before the divorce was completed. This baby wasn't premature... Boris was; and he reneged on their withdrawal agreement.
I find it interesting that Boris' dad, Stanley, used to work as a Population Control consultant (not a hereditary skill).

Anonymous said...

Induced early? To cover up what, I wonder...
Guess the front pages won't feature that large jump in the death figures though.