In a miraculous transformation, headlines were rewritten, criticism was swept away, and the voice of Bob Danvers Walker was exhumed to proclaim “A new addition to the Downing Street family … Congratulations to the happy couple … Mother and Baby are doing well”. The grovelfest had begun in earnest. Look over there! Aaahh!
Crikey chaps, it's one of those baby things, they're sort of this shape
“The safe arrival of their child, Carrie's first and Boris' sixth*, has come as a shock because Miss [!] Symonds was expected to give birth later in the summer, although a due date was never confirmed by the couple”. Er, *wouldn’t be too sure about that.
The Murdoch goons also manage perhaps the most pointless aspect of the event: “The bookies are already taking odds on Boris Johnson's son becoming a future PM. Coral have given odds of 8-1 that Boris and Carrie's boy will reach No10 one day. While the firm has Alexander as the 3-1 favourite in their name betting of the baby. James is 4-1, while George can be backed at 5-1”. Not Harry, then? I wonder why not?
As Sir Sean nearly said, I think we got the point. The happy news will be plastered across the right-wing press, with everyone else having to mention it to avoid being denounced as unpatriotic killjoys. Meanwhile, there were 586 Covid-19 hospital deaths yesterday.
You don’t need to ask what will be on front pages tomorrow. Buy a cup of coffee instead.