Toby Young’s Christmas Sob Story

As Christmas approaches, not only do we stock up on presents, food, travel itineraries, lists of friends and relatives to see, and an unfeasible amount of falling over water, most think of those less fortunate. The poor, forced to visit the local food bank as they had to spend their last pennies on keeping warm. The homeless, on the streets at this darkest and coldest time of the year. And the loathsome Toby Young.

Wait, what? What makes Tobes less fortunate? Well, he believes he is, and to prove it has authored a nanoviolin-inducing snivelfest for the increasingly alt-right Spectator magazine, in which he gets out a king-size onion and whimpers about his lot.

“This used to be the busiest time of the year for me. If you do anything in public life … you get asked to do a lot of things at Christmas. More if you pop up on telly occasionally. Last year, I must have attended at least a dozen carol services … And the nativity plays - don’t get me started on the nativity plays. I managed to limit myself to eight in 2017, but it’s usually more … But this year, nothing. Not a single invitation”. And why was this?

“Following my defenestration from public life, whereby I lost five positions, including my full-time job, I have been surgically removed from every VIP list. No Christmas cards either”. A substantial house in West London, its drive “lit by carriage lamps”, the kinds of opportunities that 95% plus of the population are never going to see in their lifetimes, and there is Tobes whining about it. He’s also whining about why it happened.

“Such are the costs of being targeted by a Twitter outrage mob”. As Billy Connolly once said, there’s going to be some swearing. F*** OFF. I mean, f*** right off. What happened to Tobes had Sweet Jack to do with any “outrage mob”. It was entirely down to his past behaviour, including that eugenics conference in London that he claimed he didn’t really go to, and if he did, he just sat at the back and wasn’t really there.

And he isn’t finished. “My fall in status has been vertiginous, like the plot of a Tom Wolfe novel … there’s the money - or lack of it. I’ve always supplemented my income by doing freelance journalism, but it’s only now that I’m relying on it entirely that I realise just how difficult it is to make a living from being a hack”. Tobes, you’re a well-connected right-winger. The amount of money sloshing around in that field is huge.

If Brendan O’Neill, Doug Murray The K, James “saviour of Western civilisation” Delingpole, and all those at the TPA, IEA, ASI, CPS and the rest can trouser enough of the folding stuff to keep themselves comfortable, you should be able to as well. If you’re any good.

But no, Tobes isn’t up for that. Instead, on he carps: “Poor Caroline has had to take a part-time job to keep the wolf from the door. If interest rates go up, or Jeremy Corbyn becomes prime minister and introduces a property tax, we’ll have to sell the house”. Well, then you’ll understand what it’s like for millions of those hard-working Brits whose views you go on telly claiming to represent, Tobes. You’ll get a taste of the real world.

Or you could get off your arse and take a real job. How about the education sector you know so much about? I could get you an interview with a University not far from where you live - they could use a few new lecturers. But that would be too much like hard work.

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