The Hack Where It’s Always Lunchtime

In his last declaration before year end, tired Express hack Patrick “Lunchtime” O’Flynn (“Speaking up for himself”) penned a piece of quite ridiculously self congratulatory tosh. This less than seismic event has passed largely unnoticed, probably because few people care what Mail hacks think, and even less care about those toiling in the service of Dirty Des.

“Cheer Up Everyone, The Left Has Been Routed” urges O’Flynn, above a picture of Young Dave at the Tory Party conference which has been captioned “David Cameron wielding the veto in Brussels”. Ah, the generosity of Richard Desmond. “2011 was the year that proved the long domination of British politics by self-styled ‘progressives’ is over” he continues. It is? What has succeeded it?

As if you need to know what comes next: “Instead the values and opinions advanced by this newspaper and its readers are back in the driving seat”. They are? So we’re being governed by little Englander Europhobics with a non-existent grasp of spelling, grammar and reality, driven by obsessions with house prices, miracle cures, scroungers, Diana, Maddie and folks talking foreign, then?

Apparently so, although “Lunchtime” translates this as “our values of rewarding personal responsibility, patriotism, law-abiding conduct, private enterprise, hard work and neighbourliness”. He then tells that “across almost every signifi cant [sic] area of public policy the liberal Left has been routed”. What is this “liberal Left”? Labour? Nothing “liberal” about ID cards, more prison places, or detention without charge.

Is it the Lib Dems? They’re part of the Coalition Government, so it can’t be them. Perhaps it’s ... oh hang on, I know, I know – it’s the Guardian and BBC, of course. They control all those unsuspecting folks by some kind of Orwellian propaganda, don’t they? This must be true because Melanie “not just Barking but halfway to Upminster” says something like that.

Whatever. So tell us about the battles, O Wise One. “The fi rst [sic] battle the Left lost was over its belief that any volume of immigration from anywhere is benefi cial [sic]”. Nope, definitely can’t mean Labour, they introduced this points based malarkey. Ah, this time “the Left” is Nick Clegg. Very good, he’s in Government. Go on. “The second battle the Left lost is over the idea that increases in public spending are always desirable”.

What? Who said that? Can’t be Labour, look at Alistair Darling’s budgets. Any more battles? The third one pretends “the Left” is always in favour of more EU integration. There isn’t any party that takes that line. And then we get Law and Order, where “Lunchtime” pretends the approach has changed. It hasn’t. And then he pretends “Oiky” Gove’s education ideas have already been proved successful. By heck, they sup some strong stuff at the Express. And it’s always lunchtime.