One shouldn’t mock bus pass holders. But then, if the holder concerned is Janet Street [expletive deleted]ing Porter, then it can’t be helped. So it was when I saw her column in today’s Daily Mail – for which, bear in mind, she has been paid. In money.
Where to begin? Let’s take it from the top, shall we?
“Are you, like me, filled with self-loathing as the New Year starts?”
Well, no I’m not, Jan, but later this evening I may be filled with curry. And maybe some wine.
“Two weeks have passed in an orgy of over-eating and inactivity, and I haven’t given up anything”
No wonder you’re filled with self-loathing – you can’t even figure out how to get some exercise.
“If I read about another B-List celebrity with their January plans for personal improvement I will puke”
Hate to break the bad news, Jaz, but (a) anyone on the B-List is well above where you are right now, and (b) if you do hurl your hoop, nobody will notice, or even care. And don’t forget to have a bucket ready – remember Mr Creosote.
“New Year resolutions are a waste of time ... when the Government plans to make life as unpleasant as possible in the months ahead”
It does? What will happen? Clampdown on sweary hacks? Compulsory subtitles whenever JSP appears on the box? Ban on 64 year old Z-List Slebs putting Ronseal on their Barnets?
Er, no: “Tomorrow, VAT goes up to 20 per cent. Petrol prices have reached the highest level ever”
Then get some sodding exercise and stop whingeing.
“Food prices will rise”
Orgies of over-eating sorted, then.
“Why go out?”
It removes the temptation to read your god-awful column.