Christopher Hope: sycophantic client journalist
“Brexit triumph as Crown Stamp returns to pint glasses and pounds and ounces could return to shops as Boris Johnson plans to rip up EU rules” he announced triumphantly. This was followed by the Murdoch Times: “Boris Johnson is to announce the return of imperial weights and measures, making it legal for market stalls, shops and supermarkets to sell their goods using only Britain’s traditional weighing system post-Brexit”.
Will beer now taste different? Will it buggery. Nor will fruit and veg be any different if it is weighed out using Imperial measurements. That did not stop the Daily Brexit, still called the Express, going full Chicken Paté News over the event: “Frost's Brexit bonfire of EU rules - pounds & ounces BACK in shops and Crown Stamp returns … BREXIT Britain will ditch the EU's CE mark and bring back the Crown Stamp on UK pint glasses while imperial measurements may also return”. Just in time for the shelves to empty this Christmas.
Nige tries to work out how many pints make a session
But for those inhabiting the real world, a problem enters: very few people under the age of around 60 are familiar with Imperial measurements, having learned the rather more simple and straightforward metric system. Take fluid measurements: this requires working in Base 5, then Base 4, then Base 2, then Base 4 (fluid ounces, gills, pints, quarts, gallons).
And, to no surprise at all, dry weight is different again. While there are 20 fluid ounces to the pint, there are just 16 ounces to the pound. Having kicked off in Base 16, you then have to switch to Base 14, Base 2, Base 4 and finally Base 20 (ounce, pound, stone, quarter, hundredweight, ton). Got that? Good-oh - now it’s on to distance measurements.
Lee Anderson. And another self-interested clown
Because they’re yet more different. Here, you have to work in Base 12, then Base 3, then Base 22, then Base 10, then Base 8 (inch, foot, yard, chain, furlong, mile). And you can forget missing out chains, because until relatively recently, every railway line in the UK was measured in miles and chains. Imperial measures were superseded by metric ones for a very good reason: working in Base 10 works. But ardent Brexiteers don’t like it.
Cue former Brexit Party Oberscheissenführer Nigel “Thirsty” Farage to pontificate “Great news. The Metric Martyrs case took 20 years but now we can buy goods in pounds and ounces again, not just Napoleonic measurements. We even get the crown back on pint glasses. Brexit is making us more British”. More laughed at by the rest of Europe, maybe.
Tory MP Lee Anderson, he of the private Facebook group with the sewer of bigotry running through it, declared “This is one of the many benefits of Brexit. The first pint I have with the crown on will taste much better”. Which is complete bullshit: I have recently enjoyed the spread of the craft beer revolution to Bratislava, Genoa, Barcelona, Madrid and Lisbon, and can confirm that a stamp on the glass has sod all to do with what’s inside it.
This dead cat will not deflect from food shortages, or rising prices. And Messrs Farage and Anderson won’t be rocking up at Chinaski Lavapiés or Cerveteca Lisboa any time soon to tell them having crown stamps on their glasses will make their beer taste better. Idiots.
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