This evening, alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will broadcast to an expectant audience, although most of us will have better things to do. But already there are problems: he’s decided what’s going to be in the broadcast and has already recorded it, so the rest of the cabinet are pissed off, his brilliant new slogan has been ridiculed, and all three devolved Governments are sticking with “stay at home”, plus the lockdown.
This reimagining of reality has been delegated to a singularly unappealing convocation of otherwise worthless pundits, left to plaintively plead with a diminishing readership not only to stick with the Bozo plan - but not to blame the SOB when he keeps fouling up. And that means a regular contribution from Tony Parsons, the has-been’s has-been.
Parsons wants us to look over there: “There are factors that no British Government could do anything about. According to Wednesday’s data from the Office for National Statistics, 66,796,807 of us are jammed into this overpopulated little island - six million more than Italy. The UK is a crowded country”. So is Germany. And South Korea. Next excuse?
“Because our politicians are always terrified of looking racist, British airports were left open for far too long. Around 18million people were let into the UK between January 1 and March 23, even as the virus rampaged across the world”. Bullshit. Racism my arse. We’ve got a Prime Minister and Home Secretary who are terminally inept. Next.
Oh look out, what was that about appearing racist? "London’s Labour Mayor Sadiq Khan cut Tube trains, ensuring NHS staff travelled to work on dangerously packed carriages”. More bullshit. TfL are seriously short of drivers because so many of them have become infected with Covid-19. But go on, blame the leftie brown person.
Tone, though, has an ace up his, er, sleeve. “But perhaps the biggest mistake of all is that this Government has been far too eager to defer to the ‘experts’ - even when those very same “experts” have got it spectacularly wrong in the past”. Meaning the commercial interest is about to be matched by the prurient interest. Because guess what?
“Professor Neil Ferguson, the key scientific adviser who was the brains behind this national lockdown, was caught this week taking his daily exercise by mounting his married mistress”. You fancy her, don’t you, Tony? But do go on. “Professor McPantsdown’s previous predictions are so inaccurate they make Paul The Octopus look like Nostradamus”. Yeah, it’s not like there are no other countries doing the same thing.
Bozo can keep on fouling up. And goons like Parsons will still wipe his arse for him.