Harry Cole’s Desperate Dom Defence

The Mail on Sunday’s deputy political editor, the odious flannelled fool Master Harry Cole, has a lot in common with alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Both are totally convinced of their place in life, both are appallingly yet naturally dishonest, both are deeply unpleasant people, and both think nothing of shitting all over their colleagues, believing they can just laugh it off over a few snifters afterwards.

Indeed, Master Cole is often talked about as a Bozo “Mini-Me”. So when it came to making a pointless gesture in defence of Bozo and his chief polecat Dominic Cummings, there was only one choice. And Cole has not disappointed, either in his willingness to go in to bat for a pointless cause, his greater willingness to spray his credibility up the nearest wall, or his ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the retelling.

Today’s Mail on Sunday front page is the result of Cole’s efforts. “As Cummings faces public fury and SECOND accusation of breaking lockdown, PM battles to save ally … BORIS: IT’S NOT LIKE HE WAS VISITING A LOVER”. Which brings us to another trait shared by Bozo and Master Cole: they are not as clever as they would like to think.

But let’s see what excuse is advanced in the supporting article. “Boris Johnson has mounted a determined defence of his controversial aide Dominic Cummings for allegedly breaking lockdown rules while ill with coronavirus, telling allies: 'It's not like he was visiting a lover.’” Ri-i-i-ight. So Polecat Dom was OK to daub Covid-19 all over fuel pumps, service station kiosks and service area toilets, but as long as there was no screwing, it was OK.

Epidemiology not the strongest suit of Master Cole and his informant, is it? But go on, dig a little deeper. "Before the latest accusations of rule-breaking emerged, allies said Mr Johnson had 'thrown a protective ring' around his most senior lieutenant because he had a 'compelling case' for his trip … The PM told friends: 'Dominic acted within the guidance and was simply caring for his family. I now consider the matter closed.’” Like heck it is.

Those looking on as this media car crash to end all media car crashes unfolds did not see it as Cole had, with Fintan O’Toole of the Irish Times responding simply “Jesus Christ Almighty”. Jim Felton added “it’s so great that the new allegations have stripped them of their defences. In about 2 hours they’ve had to go from ‘he had to go there to look after his child, as any loving parent would do’ to ‘leave him alone he didn’t fuck anybody’”.

Worse, there has been no shortage of those pointing out that Bozo using that argument is, as the late John Smith might have put it, a bit rich, and especially after Jennifer Arcuri reappeared on the news agenda briefly last week. Johnson’s inability to keep his trousers zipped up is the stuff of legend in Westminster, and indeed everywhere he goes.

And for those who wonder if involvement with such a crass and pointless story - one which may well lose the MoS even more sales, given the public mood right now - might reflect badly on Master Cole, given he has been named as the next political editor of the Murdoch Sun, they have to remember one thing. Being a useless non-journalist is not a problem - providing you are prepared to follow the line handed down to you. This Cole does.

Even if it does make you the object of derision. No change there, then.

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