Phwoar! Look At His Huge Donation!

There are few sights sadder than those who so crave the recognition of the establishment that they are prepared to do whatever it takes to secure reward via the honours system. And the newspaper industry has two of them, who right now are banking on their own chosen teams as their route to getting the gong that they covet, but would rather not let anyone know. One is using his power, the other a little money as well.

The one, although he would deny any intent, is the legendarily foul mouthed Paul Dacre, still clinging to the editor’s chair at the Daily Mail, convinced that by his supreme willpower he can get Young Dave and his jolly good chaps into Downing Street without the incumbrance of Corporal Clegg and his pesky Lib Dems. For this, he will receive the gong that he has decided he has long merited.

And the other is Richard “Dirty” Desmond, who has turned the Express titles into little more than a joke newspaper, but who also craves recognition, for his services to top shelf magazines and his ability to be so tight as to refuse his hard-pressed hacks a pay rise for seven years on the trot. Des does not have the political leverage of the Mail. But he does have an enormous donation to wave around. Phwoar!

But here a divide comes between Des and Dacre: Desmond has taken his huge wad (ooer) and waved it not at Cameron, but Nigel “Thirsty” Farage and his fellow saloon bar propper-uppers at UKIP. The Kippers, who had been wondering if they could Carry On Campaigning at the same pace for the last three weeks, are cock-a-hoop. However, and here we encounter a significantly sized however, Des may be disappointed.

Although there will be disappointment at Tory HQ that the hated Kippers will continue to eat away at their vote, the number of MPs needed by UKIP to nominate their pals for honours may not be there when the dust settles after the votes are counted. Douglas “Kamikaze” Carswell will almost certainly retain his Clacton seat, but in Rochester and Strood Mark Reckless will probably lose to the Tories’ Kelly Tolhurst.

Mr Thirsty, meanwhile, is seeing his bid to get into the Commons in Thanet South ebbing away as surely as the outgoing tide, his lack of visibility in the area not helping. The Tories might win; so might Labour. The Kippers may pick up an MP elsewhere, but the signs are not good. And if there is only Carswell, there are not going to be any gongs for UKIP supporters. That would not be a very good return on Des’ million.

And that would be a pity: seeing Baron Desmond of Asian Babe-ery having to share the same space as Lord Dacre of Effingham-Blindingham - two men who would take no pleasure at all from being in one another’s company - in the Lords could be that most priceless of moments. But right now, the only beneficiary of Des’ largesse could be Mil The Younger, through UKIP continuing to hobble the Tories.

That would be an almighty election collapse for both of them. Phwoar!