Priti Patel Speaks - Badly

After Extinction Rebellion managed to blockade a number of printing plants at the weekend, disrupting distribution of several titles, including the Murdoch Times and Sun, and the increasingly desperate and downmarket Telegraph, the Tories’ pals in the press - meaning, mainly, those who had seen their deliveries disrupted - were most unhappy. Something Had To Be Done. So who was going to do it?

Step forward Priti Patel, who for some reason has been appointed Home Secretary. The Benidorm Holiday Rep of senior Tory politicians has decided she is going to change the law. What law she is going to change we are not told, but XR will somehow be treated differently. What will be different we are also not told, but it will somehow magically remove their ability to protest, which would be an interesting thing to see.

In order to bring this message to her adoring public, Ms Patel has written a piece for the Daily Mail. We can tell that she is the author - because it doesn’t make sense. Here’s the opener: “A free press is the cornerstone of British society [we haven’t got a free press]. The freedom to publish, without fear nor [sic] favour, and to inform debate on events that affect each and every one of us is absolutely vital”.

Except our free and fearless press doesn’t inform debate. If we were properly informed, the debate would be rather different, and would not feature inept politicians like her. But do go on. “I was disgusted to see over the weekend that this institution [which doesn’t exist], and the values we hold dear as a tolerant [ho ho ho] and free country, were threatened by Extinction Rebellion because it did not fit with their agenda [flat out lie]”.

All the material being published was freely available online; had the papers concerned wanted to make sure the public saw it, those that use a paywall could have suspended it. But here comes an absolute lulu: “While Extinction Rebellion claim to be an environmental rights campaign group, their actions speak louder than their words”. Holiday Rep mode engaged once again. And there is more in the same vein.

“Their continued guerrilla tactics show that they do not believe in peaceful protest - but instead seek to undermine and cause damage to our society, disrupting the hard working individuals who are trying to keep this country moving forwards”. Did XR attack anyone? Was there a scuffle? A fracas? Did things get a bit tasty? Were there afters? Er, no.

There is no beginning to her literary ability: “It is not tolerable for groups to attack democracy by claiming they are little more than peaceful protesters”. WHAT? “The Met police have rightly issued 20 fixed penalty notices of £10,000 each, to those who have organised groups of over 30 people congregating and protesting in the capital”. How many have they wrongly issued? But enough. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

Especially when she signs off by assuring readers “I will be looking at every opportunity available, including primary legislation, to ensure that there is a full suite of tools available to tackle this behaviour”. Like installing Grammarly or hiring a proof reader, perhaps.

You wondered why I likened Priti Patel to a Benidorm Holiday Rep? Now you know.

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