Around three million tuned in last night to watch the so-called “Battle For Number 10”, which consisted of Young Dave and Mil The Younger not having a head to head debate, but being subjected to questions from a studio audience, this being supervised by Kay “Surly” Burley, and also passing before The Inquisition Of Pax Jeremiah. Both sides claimed it for their man. But there were pointers as to who prevailed.
Viewers may want to look away now
Miliband was the only one garnering applause from the audience, and for some reason not immediately obvious, Nigel “Thirsty” Farage rocked up to the event and pronounced the Labour leader the winner. But in one singularly intolerant corner of Middle England, this counted for nothing: professional motormouth Katie Hopkins, who makes Attila The Hun look like a wishy-washy liberal, had decided to kick off against Ed.
And in doing so, this least credible addition to the roster of the Sun’s pisspoor punditry may have swung many undecided voters behind Labour, as she ranted “If this man is Prime Minister I will leave the UK. This man is not Great Britain. This is Russell Brand in a chuffing suit”, which made no sense at all, except for the prospect that she would leave the country forthwith, to the relief of all those who wished she had done it earlier.
Why would she take this stance? Ah well. To have a Sun column one need not have brain engaged. Rather, one need only rant in accordance with the prejudices of Creepy Uncle Rupe. This she did: “if you can't get a doctors appointment, blame Labour. If you can't get a school place, blame Labour. Immigration matters”. Yes Katie, like immigration of the NHS staff without whom you wouldn’t get that doctor’s appointment.
We could prevent all those Polish migrants coming to Crewe, so we’d have no Polski Skleps but lots of empty shops instead. But, as Clive James might have said, I digress. She was now off on one about welfare: “Bollocks to everyone moaning about cuts to welfare. if you can't pay for food, sacrifice your iPhone and get your lazy arse to work”. There’s nothing like that authentic combination of prejudice and ignorance.
And there was nothing like the old pot and kettle for Katie, either: “Jesus Christ - Janet Pavement Walker on @bbcquestiontime - like being Taser'd in the ear” she carped, probably meaning Janet Street Facking Porter, whose presence on the box is at least moderately amusing, unlike Ms Hopkins, who is no laughing matter, unless of course it is her at whom everyone is laughing.
The ultimate Hopkins one-trip migratory device ((c) Doc Hackenbush 2015)
Then, realising her earlier comment had made the idea of her leaving the country popular, she suggested “Thank you for your kind offers of lifts to the airport. I won't be needing one. Ed is Marvin the Paranoid Android”. Well, partly right. She won’t need to go to the airport, as the good and great Doc Hackenbush has devised a far more satisfying way of sending Katie on her way. By cannon. This has the benefit of being a true one way ticket.
[UPDATE 28 March 1615 hours: Katie Hopkins clearly believes that she needs to be much more directly abusive to the Labour leader, and so she has decided to cause the maximum offence not only to Miliband, but also his family and anyone harbouring the odd shred of decency.
Let's just stop that right there. Ed Miliband is Jewish. His parents fled the Holocaust. And Katie Hopkins is making gas oven "jokes" about him and his wife. And this merits a column in the Murdoch Sun, where she "just tells it like it is". Er, no, Katie, that's just not even slightly clever.
So how about you grow up enough to say sorry to Ed and Justine, and in person? It won't happen, of course. Katie Hopkins really is as revolting as her worst detractors paint her]