Littlejohn Spooked By Spooks

Poor Richard Littlejohn. I’m sure he’d much rather be talking about Yuman Rights or Elf’n’Safety than trying to get his head round what the USA’s National Security Agency (NSA) is getting up to. But the legendarily foul mouthed Paul Dacre does not bung Dicky Windbag the thick end of a million notes a year just to lounge in the pool at his Vero Beach bolthole and fart quietly in the shallow end.

Surveillance, Guv? It's for Muslims, innit?!?

So Littlejohn has had a stab at understanding something he patently does not understand. “If we have nothing to hide, then why should we have to prove it?” he pleads plaintively. Nobody has suggested that those with nothing to hide should have to prove anything. What’s he really on about? Ah well. There have been “reports that GCHQ has been operating a covert snoopers’ charter”.

How so? “The U.S. National Security Agency has been accessing private information from internet giants such as Google, Microsoft and Facebook and passing it on to GCHQ”. Really? Dick knows more than most folks, then. We don’t actually know what is being shared with GCHQ. That’s part of the problem. But then, if you read the Daily Mail and not the deeply subversive Guardian, that’s what happens.

So spying on people is bad, then? Well, no, Littlejohn says that he understands the need to keep us safe from all those terror plots that are supposed to be going on out there. And he also understands that handing over personal information to online sellers of just about anything also surrenders part of our privacy. “But nor should we be entitled to zero privacy, either” he protests.

Dicky boy, a word in your shell-like: you can’t claim entitlement to the same privacy you just offered up to Amazon when you bought that DVD, to Opodo when you bought those plane tickets, and to your ISP when you upgraded your broadband access. You also surrendered your privacy when you got that Green Card that allows you trouble-free pool farting for extended periods.

But not to worry, he’s going to dump it all on Google (as dictated by the current choice of the Vagina Monologue): “no action has been taken against Google, which sent spy cars along every street in Britain hoovering up private information from home wi-fi networks”. Yeah, look over there at my latest creatively told steaming pile of bullshit. Dick is so clueless he can’t even lie without putting his foot in it.

And, he says, there are all those people pretending to be him, and they could drop him in it. Er, hello? What has this to do with the NSA and GCHQ? Perhaps he had to meet a deadline and couldn’t think of anything else. Maybe he thinks there’s a terrorist called Littlejohn out there. Or perhaps the last fart distracted him. What’s clear, though, is that he can’t figure out what the spooks are up to.

It’s a bit of a challenge after all that minority bashing, eh Dick? What a clown.