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Sunday 30 May 2021

Bozo Weds On The Cheap

The date had been briefed to the media, though the wording was vague: alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson and his fiancĂ©e Carrie Symonds would “celebrate” their marriage in July 2022. By this time, there would be few restrictions on church attendees, and those invited to the wedding reception. By the summer of next year, Parliament would have risen and there would be the chance of a relaxed honeymoon.

However, and here we encounter a significantly sized however, Bozo is rumoured to be hermetically tight with money, comparisons with a camel’s arse in a sandstorm being typical. So it should have surprised no-one when the right-leaning part of our free and fearless press geared up last night to tell the world that the couple, happy or otherwise, had married in a ceremony so secret that they had all been briefed about it.

The increasingly wayward Mail on Sunday has claimed an exclusive (so much so that every other paper that wants to talk about it has the story), proclaiming “BORIS AND CARRIE GET MARRIED IN SECRET … First PM to wed in office since 1822 … He couldn’t take his eyes off the bride”. On pain of her lamping him, perhaps.

Over at the increasingly desperate and downmarket Telegraph, the news everyone knows about is still secret: “PM marries Carrie in secret ceremony … Couple tie the knot at Westminster Cathedral but even senior aides were kept in the dark”. Westminster Cathedral? That’s the Roman Catholic one, right? Isn’t there a problem with that?

Mark Drew, who happens to be a priest, thought there was. “Can anyone explain to me how ‘Boris’ Johnson, who left the Catholic Church while at Eton and is twice divorced, can be married at Westminster Cathedral, while I have to tell practicing Catholics in good faith who want a second marriage in Church that it's not possible?” Well, indeed.

But wedded they are, with Downing Street finally confirming this morning what they had already told the press, even issuing a photo of the happy couple. And all without those pesky expenses: Bozo hasn’t had to stump up for a stag night, the wedding reception for all those hundreds of guests, or even a reassuringly upmarket honeymoon.

After all, it would have to be somewhere exclusive - none of that slumming it with the hoi polloi for Cash and Carrie, no chance of seeing Brexit Bozo honeymooning anywhere on mainland Europe. Having exchanged vows, he’s kicked that particular cost down the road until next year. Ultimately, he may not have to pay for it at all.

Looks like she's got custody of the quids

If the bill for renovating the flat above 11 Downing Street can be picked up by a Tory donor, a trip to Mustique can be paid for by someone else, and all those upmarket takeaways provided likewise, as the Tory press wipes his arse and Bozo gets away with it, then by next year, arranging for someone else to pick up the wedding reception and honeymoon tabs should be a piece of cake. Especially as the press will cover for him. Again.

But ultimately he can’t put off the years of school fees - one wouldn’t send one’s offspring to one of those ghastly state schools - and University bills. Two lots if Carrie decides she wants another child. Bozo will have to stop being PM to make the dosh to pay for that.

The consequences of not being able to keep your pants zipped up, eh? Sad, really.

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Anonymous said...

personally I thought the most amusing part of the whole sorry spectacle was dodgy old Stan, yep, Stan no mask Johnson, the tightwad wife beating teenshagging grandfather, with his hand firmly intertwined to some late thirty something tory fluff monster ... still at least it weren’t georgie toffolo otherwise he’d really would be in the jhimmy saville league ... but at least he tried, eh Stan?

Anonymous said...

Less than generous that, Tim.

I'm delighted to say.

Any woman who willing allows that lying fat slob on top of her - the mere notion makes me distinctly unwell - deserves all she has Cumming.

Mr Larrington said...

In three months time she'll be wishing she'd listened to what Mummy told her when she was a little gel*. I hope she employed a competent brief to draw up the pre-nup.

* with a hard “g”, obv.

J said...

Its interesting that he's wearing the same suit that he wore when he was having £120,000 "IT lessons" (yeah, I mean when he was shagging that bird on the tax payers dime while mayor)... I mean, he's got no class but I'm shocked Cash & Carrie didn't make him get a new "didn't fcuk his tarts in it" suit.

Steve Woods said...

That's 3 dead cats I've counted in the last 7 days.

A spate of pet thefts is being reported by the media nationwide.

Are the Westminster and Whitehall village idiots indulging in livestock larceny?

Anonymous said...

From the BBC:

Although Mr Johnson, 56, has been married twice before, the Roman Catholic Church can allow divorcees to remarry if the previous marriages were outside the Roman Catholic Church.

Alan said...

A churchgoer and liturgical anorak wonders by what rites Johnson solemnized his previous nuptials. There could be ecumenical ructions coming up over this one.

SteveHolmes11 said...

Indeed Alan.

That would be an ecumenical matter.

Anonymous said...

No surprise to see a standard BBC "News" glove puppet allow a Murdoch slimeball to claim an "exclusive" at the "news".

Or to see the Catholic Church reinforce its superstitious bullshit, hitch up its medieval skirts, climb aboard the bandwagon, and embrace Bozo the way it cuddled Hitler and that other mass murdering war criminal Bliar.

Things never change out there on the far right.

Simon said...


Jonathan said...

A vacancy for me for a mistress has arisen, vacancy ready to be filled by alleged BBC Political Editor Laura Kuessenberg.

Mr Larrington said...

Scum hack Dave Wooding was on the Beeb last night complaining that Bloody Stupid Johnson had been economical with the truth about the date of the nuptials, as if:

1. Bloody Stupid Johnson didn’t have extensive form for lying in every conceivable circumstance, and
b. The Murdoch press ditto

My Bollocksometer (pat. pending) blew a fuse at that point.

Arnold said...


Although Mr Johnson, 56, has been married twice before, the Roman Catholic Church can allow divorcees to remarry if the previous marriages were outside the Roman Catholic Church.
Are all twice married serial adulterers allowed to, I wonder?