Top Gear New Host Desperation

The BBC has wisely said nothing about who might present Top Gear in the wake of Jeremy Clarkson leaving the show following an act of gross misconduct, which was dealt with as it should have been. But, as nature abhors a vacuum, so the more creative part of the Fourth Estate abhors a news vacuum, and so the 24-hour News Speculatron has been fired up in order to generate a few more column inches on the subject.

I looked at the list of hopefuls, though for a moment, and then PISSED MYSELF LAUGHING

And much of what has been pitched has been of the finest grade, well, that is, if you appreciate the finest grade of garbage. For having someone else pitch her name, Sue Perkins received death threats and decided to take a sabbatical from Twitter. So the pondlife wins again, albeit briefly. After that, one might have thought that volunteers would prove harder to find. But that’s no problem - the press volunteered them instead.

The thought clearly occurred to someone that suggesting another bloke to replace Jezza would be a better idea - well, it would at least discourage the meatheads who think that gratuitous abuse directed at women is “only a bit of banter”. So someone pitched the name of Ricky Gervais. However, and here we encounter a deal-breaking however, Gervais’ CV has something missing: HE DOESN’T DRIVE.

Sue Perkins. Oo-er Missus, look at the size of her double entendres!

Would anyone like to set the bar lower? One should not be asking that kind of question, not when we have the Telegraph, continuing its plunge downmarket by inflating what someone who once presented Top Gear said into a pitch for the role. That someone was Angela Rippon, who fronted the show when it was a little-watched regional programme. The Tel declares “she would return to present the show”.

And here’s what Ms Rippon actually said: “it would be great if they said, 'Lets get the old girl back to do the odd film for us’”. She also said “What I did all those years ago is totally different to what they do now”. But so desperate is the Tel, it pretends she is bidding for Jezza’s old job. And over at the Mail, someone who really is making a pitch to front the show is (don’t laugh) Sarah Vine. You read that right.

Sarah Vine's fantasy ...

Ms Vine believes that she is uniquely qualified for the role as she once lived in Turin: “Back then, it was a frantic place of endless smog and honking horns … Here they made everything you can possibly imagine on wheels, from the great Iveco trucks to flashy Ferraris. Cars were the lifeblood of the city”. Very good Sarah, they don’t make Ferraris in Turin, but more than a hundred miles away in Maranello.

... and recent BBC appearance reality

But Sarah wants the BBC to know that she even drives her children to school. In Kensington. So she is selfish enough to call herself a petrolhead. Sadly, the photo used to support her article has been, shall we say, enhanced beyond credibility, and her Ferrari howler shows that this is yet another article in the Phil-Space-Meets-Ron-Hopeful genre. All of which may well take us back to Sue Perkins.

Because the creeps with no brains don’t want her to get the job. So you’re hired, Sue.