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Friday 17 April 2015

Sun Brings Us Red Terror

You want to know how it’ll be? I’ll tell ‘ee … the heavens will open up, and blood will come raining down … and there’ll be plagues of frogs and locusts … and the earth’ll crack, and the seas will boil over … and nameless abominations will come forth, crawling from the slimy depths … there’ll be storms, there’ll be sleet, and fire will engulf the whole earth … er, the rest of the night will be fine except for outbreaks of rain”.
That's what I bladdy think of youse bladdy democracy, ya bladdy Pommie drongoes!

The most OTT weather forecast ever was broadcast, not seriously, by Marty Feldman more than 45 years ago (listen HERE). But, until the last line when he regains his official BBC composure (tm), his apocalyptic delivery sounds remarkably like today’s post-debate hysteria emanating from the Baby Shard. Yes, Rupe’s downmarket troops at the Super Soaraway Currant Bun bring you The Red Terror (c) (R).

The editorial could have been written by Feldman - it is in the same style as his weather rant: “The chaos a Labour/SNP election pact would unleash on Britain is almost beyond imagination … You’ll need to have witnessed first-hand the industrial ruin of the 1970s … All spending cuts would have to be abandoned, so taxes would have to rise immediately … Interest rates would soar too … The Pound would plummet”.

There’s more: “But their tribal loathing of the Tories, their lust for spending public money, their desire for more powerful unions and their apparent lack of interest in any wealth creation does unite them … Leftie voters imagine even this hellish coalition would be better than the ‘unfairness’ of the current Tory-led regime … If Britain voted them in, the rest of the world would look on in shock”. Would it buggery.

But, as Clive James might have said, I digress. What would we see if this terror were visited upon the country? “You’ll need to have witnessed first-hand the industrial ruin of the 1970s to have an inkling of what it could actually look like”. Unrest we had in the 70s. Ruin we did not get until Mrs T’s flirtation with monetarism starved many small and medium sized businesses of funds after her election in 1979. Historical accuracy, eh?
It was then that the decline of manufacturing industry set in. But the Sun has other goodies, if that is the right word, from non-bullying political editor Tom Newton Dunn and his tame gofer Steve Hawkes, telling readers who are not yet bored crapless of “SLAP ED … Also-rans gang up give Mili a four-way mauling in telly debate” (the Survation snap poll taken afterwards declared Miliband the winner).

ED Miliband took a four-way pounding in the Challengers’ Debate last night - with his NHS and spending plans torn apart” they declare, throwing in an attack on the hated BBC on the side. The thought enters that Newton Dunn and Hawkes were writing to the orders of Creepy Uncle Rupe: the real reason for this tsunami of bile is simply that Miliband would be beyond Murdoch’s reach, not biddable by him or any other proprietor or editor.

So the Sun has now ventured beyond parody as a result. “You want to know how it’ll be? I’ll tell ‘ee” it tells readers, and thus we are back with what Marty Feldman and his listeners thought was humour. As if you needed to know: the Murdoch press is frit of Miliband.


rob said...

Nightmare on Sun Street

We are closer to that election stage for a fright
We can see that The Sun is really up for the fight
Story has to be told, distorted the readers to be sold
Dunn shushes the room, here cometh our doom.

Red Ed is coming down
Red Ed
Red Ed is pouring down
Boring down all over us

Bob said...

Despite 'selling the family silver', the saintly Margaret managed to quadruple the national debt. Strangely you never saw that in the Tory fanzines.