Sexism and misogyny may be on the wane in the real world, but for the odious Quentin Letts (let’s not), readers of his expertly crafted drivel are subjected to the values of another age, where women knew their place and lecherous hacks went straight for the P-word (as in Phwoar!). Thus Quent has arrived at his review of Cressida Bonas’ solo play, which of course is not an excuse to letch at Prince Harry’s possible partner, oh no.
Harry Potter and the Gobshite of Arslihkan
That the article is about Quent having a good perv is glaringly obvious from the get-go: “How Harry's hottie came of age” begins the headline. “The big draw for An Evening With Lucian Freud was its solo performer. She may be an actress making only her second professional appearance on the fringes of London theatre, but she is known better on what you could call the wider national stage: Cressida Bonas”, he explains.
Then it gets worse - a lot worse: “Boho-chic Cressie was (and maybe soon will be again - it is not entirely easy to keep up) Prince Harry's poppet … She is known as the Royal Squeeze. With the Duchess of Cambridge having retreated to bottle-sterilising duties in darkest East Anglia, Cressida is the nation's current Royal Crumpet By Appointment”. Did I just read that crap? In May 2015? Then comes an admission - sort of.
“That may sound crudely sexist, but”. No Quent, there aren’t any buts, it really was crudely sexist. No reputable journalist should even be thinking of churning out such puerile blether nowadays. But he’s off and running: “It helps that she is pretty, I suppose, but many actresses are good-looking. If anything, I'd say she could do with putting on some weight. If I were her father, I would certainly tell her to have seconds of rhubarb crumble”.
Rhubarb intercoursing crumble? What is this, school dinners 50 years ago? But I almost forgot the obligatory lefty-bashing: “Miss Bonas's voice is not a strong point, being a little monotonous, yet she has a more varied delivery than, for instance, the robotic, over-garlanded Keira Knightley. On the evidence of this show, and of Miss Knightley's recent stage outings in London, I would say Cressida is at least as good as the Left-wing luvvie”.
And Quent can’t resist the temptation to assume the character of Cosmo Smallpiece for long: “I certainly found myself repeatedly looking at her and thinking: 'I wonder if she could be next up the nave at Westminster Abbey at a royal wedding’”. “Up the nave at Westminster Abbey”? What is this, Carry On Up The Daily Mail?
But he finally gives the Mail’s seal of approval: “Having seen Cressida Bonas on stage, I think rather more of both her and Prince Harry. I think more of her for being not just 'a pretty face', but having a measure of proper artistic ability … And I think more of him for falling in love with a young woman who is plainly so much more than just a dingbat Sloane”. As if either of them needs him to damn them with his faint praise.
This is a skin-creepingly excruciating pile of dross. But it tells us a lot about the world the Daily Mail would like to see its readers enjoy. Thankfully, reality is rather different.
He's horrendous, I have no idea who reads the crap he churns out, nor why the Daily Mail pay him to write it.
However, 50's or not, I think a generous portion of rhubarb crumble with a good dollop of custard is extremely delicious. I'd happily have seconds of my own accord, although if I were Cressida and dear old Quent ordered me to, he might find that second portion all over his sexist face.
I know why I don't read the Daily Mail. It's full of shit.
Dingbat Sloane !! Was he referring to prince Harry's mother ? God rest her soul..
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