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Friday 6 May 2022

Piers Morgan Is Officially Pants

At the start of last week, announced with the greatest of fanfares that the Murdoch mafiosi could muster, and with millions thrown at it even before its first broadcast, came the first edition of The All New Percy Moron Show. Former Screws and Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan was reputedly being bunged $50 million over three years to host the hour-long broadcast, Monday to Friday, week in, week out. But then something happened.

And what's more, Ron ...

Or rather, something didn’t happen: viewer numbers fell, almost precipitously. Soon, the first night 400,000 was down below 100,000. It was a repeat of what happened when he debuted on CNN back in 2011 with smaller numbers. Morgan was attracting fewer viewers than former Brexit Party Oberscheissenf├╝hrer Nigel “Thirsty” Farage, and the deeply unpleasant Dan Wootton, on Gammon Broadcasting™ News (“Bacon’s News Channel”).

... it's like this

Now has come the ultimate humiliation: Piers Morgan has now been outdone by a pair of underpants. A slowly falling pair of underpants. Which has gained more views that Morgan managed viewers earlier this week. That number was 62,000: Otto English set out to see if his short video of falling underpants could do better. And it did. A lot better.

After seeing how low the Morgan ratings had fallen, he mused “Piers Morgan's viewing figures on Talk TV have slumped to 62,000. Reckon I could get that with a slow motion pair of falling pants … It's like Icarus. But in slow motion. And Icarus is a pair of pants”. It is? Whatever. The eight-second video was duly launched. And the results were soon in.

Only the next day, Otto English declared victory for pants over Piers. His video had achieved the magic 62,000 views, and without shedloads of money having to be thrown at expensive studios, expensive production teams, expensive advertising campaigns, and of course obscenely expensive (and obscenely overrated) presenters.

Hence the modest notification of triumph, “Thank you to everyone who made ‘falling pants in slow motion’ a ratings winner”, followed by the reminder “Morgan has been paid a figure of around £50m over three years for his show... just saying [Byline TV]”. Byline TV has reassured him “We can certainly pay for the pants. A new pair every week! We might even get sponsorship for that”. And now there is worse news for Morgan.

The slow motion falling pair of pants has not just surpassed his mark of 62,500 viewers. As Peter Jukes of Byline Media has pointed out, “In other news, [Otto English]’s falling pants looks set to exceed Piers Morgan’s ratings x 10”. As I type, the number of views for the falling pants has reached the 500,000 mark. Leaving Kevin Chesters to sum it up.

And beat the ratings for GB News and TalkTV on their best ever nights. I’m actually delighted those two stations exist. Increasingly shouting into a void, and it keeps all the dangers off the real telly. They can just bleat at each other endlessly about bathrooms & chemtrails”. And Meghan. And Cancel Culture. And Snowflakes. And WOKE.

Creepy Uncle Rupe is bunging Morgan fifty million notes for The All New Percy Moron Show. And it’s doing so well that it’s been outclassed by a falling pair of pants.

Yes, Piers Morgan is officially pants. The Icarus of megalomania has crashed to earth.

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Anonymous said...

So Moron made a mug of Murdoch.

How delightful.

Mr Larrington said...

Massive Monkey Minge Moron* Monsters Megalomaniac Mug Murdoch!

Fleet Street beckons!

* the colossal bellend