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Sunday, 4 February 2024

Spanker Danczuk Is Back

Adding to the list of upcoming by-elections, and making a change from all those formerly safe Tory seats that The Blue Team is about to lose badly, former veteran MP Tony Lloyd sadly passed away recently, creating a vacancy in the Greater Manchester seat of Rochdale. It is an odds on Labour hold: the rest, apart perhaps from the Lib Dems, might as well not turn up.


The Rest includes Reform UK, what used to be known as the Brexit Party, but is no longer led by former Oberscheissenführer Nigel “Thirsty” Farage. So what would a sensible Reform UK choice have been? What would a rational party have done? What would Nietzsche have done? Sadly, this is not a party where sensible and rational are on the menu. Hence their candidate choice.

Answering the question “who would be the least suitable candidate for a by-election in Rochdale for any party” in one, back from the political dead zone has come Simon Danczuk, who has lurched sufficiently to the right since Labour decided they could get along fine without him to support the Tories’ policy of deporting asylum seekers to Rwanda. But here a problem enters.

Spanker has recently become married (for the third time) to Claudine Uwamahoro, a Rwandan beauty therapist whom he met on a business trip to, er, Rwanda. He is 57. She is 28. So he’s all for deporting people to Rwanda, while his third wife moves the other way. The Mirror had more.

She arrived in the UK last August and “now splits her time between his homes in Pimlico, central London, and Rochdale, Lancs, where he was MP”. Wonder how he paid for a place in Pimlico. Whatever. While his remarrying is not a problem for his candidacy, Danczuk’s past conduct will enable any of his opponents who want to make something of it to have a field day.

There is, for starters, that most unfortunate incident in the Flying Horse pub, where Spanker is alleged to have lived up to his nickname while in what appears to have been an excessively overtired state. Fortunately for him, his pals got him out of the pub before he got thrown out, and the licensee declined to comment on the matter, far less make a complaint.

More troubling was a recent headline in the Murdoch Sun: “Shamed MP Simon Danczuk is standing as Reform candidate after remarrying in wake of split from Karen Danczuk”. Ah, remember “selfie queen” Kazza D? Might she decide to rock up for a little free publicity? And what was that “Shamed” all about? Ah well. “He was suspended from the party and blocked from standing in 2017 after being caught sending explicit messages to a 17 year-old girl”.


Ah yes. That kind of “Shamed”. But do go on. “He apologised for the texting scandal, admitting it was inappropriate and stupid and declaring: ‘There is no fool like an old fool’”. But that was only scratching the surface. The charge sheet is a long one. Like his hypocrisy over MP’s expenses, and subsequent paying back of a five-figure sum he had over-claimed, are well known.

There is more. A lot more: the abandonment of constituents when Rochdale was inundated with flood water, drunken threats against a neighbouring Labour MP, arrest and temporary imprisonment by the Guardia Civil at Orihuela following yet another heated bust-up with ex-wife Karen, the splashing of another grubby and opportunistic fling with a much younger woman over the front page of the Murdoch Sun. Ah yes, I remember it well.

Spanker and his co-writer Matt Baker brought us Smile For The Camera, from where the myth came that they were the ones who first told the world about former Rochdale MP Cyril Smith’s behaviour. But that had happened back in 1979 when Rochdale Alternative Press had published a number of allegations, these then being brought to a wider audience by Private Eye.

On top of all that were allegations of dirty tricks against his then political opponents. When the Sun tells “The Rochdale byelection is expected to be one of the most toxic races for Parliament ever”, what they don’t say is that Danczuk may have brought some of that toxicity with him.

First Reform UK MP? He’s got no chance. Another lost deposit beckons.


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14 comments:

A COCKNEE TAXI DRIVER RITES said...

'Ere, wot's orl did abaht mister Danksuck.

A proper tory geezer ee iz, wanuv us dahn the Owld Kent Rode. So ee likes a bitta ankee pankee an samming dat fell off d'backuv a lorree. Well, ameen, oo daznt, look at Parleemint.

I ad dat Jack Straw an Jeff Oon in the backer me cab once. Laffed at me for me taxi rates dey did. Proper tory geezers dey wer. Mister Straw sed iz rates woz five tharsind pahnds a dye, samming like dat, an Mister Oon sed ee woz a gun fer ire.

Gawd bless Synte Enoch an dat nice Tomee Robersan. Proper geezers.

Anonymous said...

Spanker Danczuk back on cue
Wants his head back into view,
Toss and turn while in the ruck
For any way to make a buck,
Such a difference, some would say,
If he would earn an honest pay,
Instead he bends to getgive thrash
For anything that brings him cash.

Burlington Bertie from Bow said...


Still, nice to see he's going for older women these days. And he's found God too apparently.
Though, as he says, he's 'always been spiritual'.

Milnrowmart said...

It is great to see my old mucker back on your pages. More please. Keep up the good work.

Andy McDonald said...

Please, please, for the love of whatever god you hold faith in, stop.

You are not funny, nor are you satirical. Please leave this stuff to the people who are good at it.

Burlington Bertie from Bow said...


Andy, to whom do you speak? Is it:

The newbie 'Milnrowmart'?
Perpetual Anonymous lightly disguised as 'Cocknee.. 'etc?
Anonymous the Poet (aged 11 and 3/4?)
My blameless self?
Or the peerless Tim?

(If Sunak was around I'd offer him a 1000 quid bet on it)

A COCKNEE TAXI DRIVER RITES. said...

'Ere, wot's orl dis abaht God.

Evryone noze God's a Trot, coz Trots is evrywer an getn wus innit. Ameen, the NHS is Trot, which is why d'King, gawd bless im, didn sty der. Y'won't see no Trots artside Bukinam Paliss tdye I bet.

'Ere gav, yew intristed in sam bran noo alloy ub caps, fresh from Romford? Norra scratch on em, from sam local entryprenewer network. No income tax, no VAT, no kweschins asked, ded kosher.

Gawd bless Prince Willie, I ope eez getn reddy fer d'Big One, no warrameen. Lavly teef that lad, lavly. Wot a darlin. Wish I ad im in the backer me cab once.

Andy McDonald said...

Bertie, it's the godawful cockney taxi driver spoof. It just doesn't work. The phonetic spelling just goes everywhere, and besides, the stereotypical London cabbie has been done to death over the years, notably in Viz and Private Eye. This might cut the mustard in the JCR, but it's just hackneyed sophomore bilge.

Anonymous said...

Tim, abandon your search for Unintended Comedy Line Of The Year.

17:54 just pissed it with "...The phonetic spelling just goes everywhere..."

That one straight out of the Martin Bormann Private School, Jim Davidson Wing.

Oh my aching sides.

Burlington Bertie from Bow said...


Thanks, Andy. I'd have won my 100 quid.
I'd also have put my winnings on Cocknee.... etc being our old friend with the M25 phobia.

Speaking of which I see that a certain not entirely successful ex-PM at the 'launch' of her new Convocation of the Clinically Deluded Tory factionette, the Popular Conservatives ('Putting the Moron Back into Oxymoron'), seemed to make similar statements about what goes on 'inside the M25'.
Funny that.

Ed Balls said...

I know you've been told before Bertie but please refrain from using the word moron in that context.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Andy M, I find them hilarious for reasons which I cannot explain.

Burlington Bertie from Bow said...


Sorry, Ed.

I know you're a sensitive of vision of empathic/empathetic pious orthodoxy, but it's just that the word oxycretin doesn't, as yet, exist.

Namaste.

Burlington Bertie from Bow said...


Sorry again, Ed.
Delete 'sensitive of'