Farage Hires Self-Promoting Tosser

News arrived on Zelo Street late last month (no names, no packdrill) that Nigel “Thirsty” Farage and his fellow saloon bar propper-uppers at UKIP had secured the dubious talents of Raheem “call me Ray” Kassam to spin for Mr Thirsty. Kassam is famous for, er, not very much, except that his expertly self-crafted Wikipedia entry was deleted because, unlike the l’Oreal advert, he wasn’t worth it.

Now it's squeaky spinner finger up the bum time

The appointment is in many ways predictable: Kassam has been among those at the batshit collective that is Breitbart London, along with the equally over-rated James “saviour of Western civilisation” Delingpole, and Milo Yiannopoulos, failed entrepreneur and amateur human being. Breitbart organised Farage’s recent trip Stateside as part of promoting UKIP as the “UK Tea Party”.

Mr Thirsty was received by the likes of Rand Paul, Republican Senator, and Laura Ingraham, radio host and stand-in for Bill O’Reilly on Fox News Channel (fair and balanced my arse). Breitbart told that “Breitbart News hosted Farage last week in New York and Washington, D.C. in a trip orchestrated by the Breitbart London team which focused on the parallels between the U.S. and British political landscapes”.

Pretentious? Who, moi?

Giving Kassam a berth may be seen as payback from the Kippers, and they will be hoping that his presence is rather less disruptive than it was at The Commentator, from which “call me Ray” departed after an acrimonious falling-out with humourless founder Robin Shepherd, which, according to Iain Dale, ended up with the services of Mr Ephraim Sue and his pals being sought.

But Raheem Kassam will be an ideal appointment for UKIP: appallingly narcissistic, mildly paranoid, and laughably pretentious. He was the one who responded to the question “Do you consider yourself a Libertarian or a NeoCon?” by answering “Neither, honestly. I consider myself a Goldwater conservative”. Kassam may think that Barry Goldwater is so long ago that he can get away with that one.

Kassam's hero - Barry Goldwater

Sadly for “call me Ray”, though, the former five-term Senator from Arizona was famous for two things: persuading Tricky Dicky to quit the Presidency in 1974 in the face of almost certain impeachment, and securing the Republican nomination for the 1964 Presidential election, in which Lyndon Johnson defeated him in a landslide. He was not, outside the USA, well-regarded at the time.

Indeed, Private Eye magazine put him on the cover of Issue 67, with the most unfortunate of photos giving the suggestion that Goldwater was talking out of his arse. That quality is what Raheem Kassam will bring to UKIP: someone about to go down to a monumentally heavy defeat, who talks out of his arse. And someone whose high opinion of himself is not shared by the real world.

So let the reign of Raheem at UKIP begin. Get the popcorn in, folks.