PMQs – Itch-A-Sketch 2

All were expecting normal hostilities to resume today across the dispatch box. There was plenty of material: Mil The Younger’s pitch to Telegraph readers, Tory frothing over anything to do with the EU, bankers getting unfeasibly large bonuses, fracking (or not), and of course the potential for the odd dig at Monsieur le Shaggeur Hollande over the other side of La Manche.

Keith Vaz kicks off. Oh sugar! There’s a war on sugar!! Mrs Cameron may support this. Jolly seriously. It’s all very agreeable today. Or perhaps it isn’t: Mil the Younger is straight on to those bank bonuses. Young Dave answers the question he thinks should have been asked. Back it comes. Then comes the bingo: cost of living crisis! Biggest bust! So far, so much noisier, but so predictable.

And is it just me, or is there an industrial quantity of softball and grovelling from Tory MPs? Andrew Bingham, Daniel Kawczynski, Ian Stewart, Jesse Norman, John Stevenson and Simon Hart all queuing up to brown nose Cameron and tell the house how jolly wonderful Government policy is. Small wonder so many folks are put off this alleged spectacle. More of a snoozefest from the Blue team.

Never mind, back comes Miliband, and this time it’s the old Use It Or Lose It on building land ploy. And once again, Cameron tells him that he should have asked a different question and dodges the issue. This is predictable, as otherwise he’d be contradicting Bozza. But the Coalition is doing better on building houses, honest. Even if completions are the lowest for 90 years.

This is turning into Tedious Maximus. Isn’t anyone going to chuck a banger into the cowpat? Look out, here comes Tom Watson, and he’s going to do just that. What about the Amritsar massacre SAS connection? Why doesn’t Dave just ask Geoffrey Howe and Leon Brittain? Was there a Westland connection? Oooh, controversy! Dave suggests that could be a conspiracy theory too far.

Well, the issue is going to come back to the House, so Cameron is going to have to address it in future. Pat McFadden follows up on the same subject. Dave stresses that the storming of the Golden Temple was organised by the Indian Army, which doesn’t rule out an SAS involvement. But by this time he needs something to get him a score, a way of coming out ahead.

Angie Bray to the rescue with a softball “Plan A and Plan B” question! Yes, the Cameron eyes light up, he sees “Auguste” Balls there across the dispatch box, and he’s off and running on another fun episode of Balls Bashing! Andrew Bridgen has a Hollande snark, and this too generates Balls Bashing! What jolly good fun! What a positively spiffing end to PMQs, chaps! What a waste of space.

Still, keeps the inmates busy for another week. Mustn’t grumble.