Karen Danczuk’s Pork Delivery

And so it came to pass that talentless wannabe Karen Danczuk had found publicity, and its benefit of More And Bigger Paycheques For Herself Personally Now, difficult to attract following her split from disgraced MP Spanker Si, and so decided to stage another photo stunt where a snapper from Fame Flynet would, by the most fortunate of coincidences, be lurking nearby. This would then be flogged to a gullible press.

Thus it is that Mail Online has brought its long-suffering readers “Ham sweet ham! Selfie queen Karen Danczuk moves her Spanish waiter toyboy, 26, in and he brings a leg of cured pork with him”. Yes, her new partner David, whom we are told is a “Spanish waiter”, arrived at Kazza’s place proudly brandishing his huge piece of rigid pork (fnarr fnarr). And yes, Fame Flynet were indeed on hand to record the happy occasion.

This meant the happy sound of cash registers as no less than nine of Fame Flynet’s photos were included in the article, with three of them showing David giving Kazza his huge piece of pork (kersnick kersnick). Readers were assured that the couple were “loved up”, and there was even “a source” to tell “It's early days with David, but they really enjoy each other's company … It's her first relationship since Simon, with whom she is still friends, but she is just out there having fun”. Except it sounds like a press release.

Chairs being carried into the house ...

But the whole exercise was staged: while readers are told “Her 26-year-old partner carried a suitcase, boxes, chairs - and a leg of cured pork - from Karen's white Range Rover to the front door … The loved-up couple each carried a chair into Karen's home in Rochdale, Greater Manchester”, my information is that most of the items were in the house already.

You read that right: the chairs that Kazza and David are shown carrying in to the house were already featured - by her - in a photo she shared over social media a while back. I’m told that she got the table and chairs from her Dad. Who did not import them from Spain. The arriyal of all the other “items” was equally contrived, apart from David’s suitcase and of course his unfeasibly large pork stick (yik yik).

... that were there already

It got worse: the Mail Online article was so hurriedly cobbled together that some of it does not make sense, for instance “The loved-up pair in the streets of Spain this month as they headed for a night-out near her holiday property … It was the couple's latest steamy rendezvous on the Costa Blanca”. But in Rochdale. And it got worse still.

Thus far, the Murdoch Sun has not run the story, leaving Mail Online to pick up the tab for Fame Flynet’s photos and tell the world about Kazza and her partner enjoying the benefits of his enormous firm pork display (spab spab). David may be happy for something to do during what is the off-season on the Costa Blanca, with many restaurants suffering after the post-referendum slump in Sterling put tourists and expats off dining out.

And he’ll have to find somewhere else to stay when he returns to Spain, as the Danczuks’ place in Algorfa, scene of Spanker Si losing it, is apparently on the market. All of that while the photo opportunities gradually dry up. As they should have done long ago.