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Sunday 23 May 2021

Teaboy Takes Eurovision Too Seriously

Another sign of a world returning to some kind of normality following the Covid-19 pandemic arrived yesterday evening with the staging of the Eurovision Song Contest, this year coming from Rotterdam, following the tradition that the previous winning nation should stage the next event. Italy won, a feat they first achieved back in 1964.

What time is it Eccles?

There was irreverence, kitsch, mild outrageousness, and humour both intentional and unintentional, and not just from Graham Norton. A contest designed to bring nations together in the aftermath of World War 2 long ago shed any idea of taking itself too seriously. Viewers try and predict winners, get it totally wrong, and accept it’s all part of the fun. Until here in the UK, someone realises our entry garnered the dreaded Nul Points.

NUL POINTS!? But that’s for Norway! We can’t get NUL POINTS! I mean, who won the war? Yes, someone who should know better wheeled that one out: stop forward Tom Harwood, former replacement teaboy to the perpetually thirsty Paul Staines at the Guido Fawkes blog, and soon to be part of the presenting line-up at Gammon Broadcasting™ News (“Bacon’s News Channel”). Teaboy Tom wanted to talk war. And FREEM!

Without the UK half these countries would not be free to perform in any song contests. Arguably the other half wouldn’t either. Their thanks? Nil points”. He forgot to mention the USA, the Empire, and, whisper it quietly, the former USSR, without which the Nazis would not have been defeated. Still, minor point, eh? But there was more.

Lewis Goodall of Newsnight decided to wind Harwood up a little. “I too would much prefer a song contest based on a sense of national gratitude about the events of the Second World War. Why has no one come up with that?” And it worked. “I think every year we should forgo the contest and simply hand out points to the countries that were most courageous and successful at standing up against Hitler”. Ri-i-i-ight.

He seems to have forgotten saying “We deserve to lose. Badly” and then going into Fawkes spin mode at the sight of the dreaded Nul Points. “Final results. This is a good deal for Britain. A good deal”. But at least “France have not won. Just rejoice at that news and congratulate our forces and the marines”. France is part of Argentina already!

How could the UK have done better, then, O wise one? “If we’d have put the United Kingdolls up we’d have taken this hands down”. I’m sure whoever oversees the UK entry will, er, not be taking him up on that. But there was a small consolation for him. “Everyone’s speaking English so we take the moral victory”. You reckon?

The winning entry, from Italy, was sung in, er, Italian. Just like their winning entry in 1964. Some people can’t get on board with the idea that a contest where the UK’s past winners have included Buck’s Fizz (bad) and the Brotherhood Of Man (worse) is always going to defy anything approaching highbrow analysis. Or that, like the EU, the UK first of all didn’t want to play, then when it did, got all upset because it didn’t always win.

In the words of the UK’s 1977 Eurovision entry, which was a runner-up (those were the days, eh?) we are now at Rock Bottom. Maybe cos we’re not very good at it, eh Tom?

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Anonymous said...

I know you lefties are bereft of humour so it doesn't surprise me that you can't see that Harwood's taking the piss... and you fell for it.

Anonymous said...

Harbottle should be taken as seriously as the Eurovision Song Contest.

Which is not at all. Just rip the piss out of the cracked gett.

He'd probably top himself if the Russkis ever win it. Which is a very good reason for hoping they do.

Mr Larrington said...

I have read that former Waves/Soft Boys guitarist Kimberley Rew, writer of Britain's last winner, was so miffed at someone's decision to use the song for Eurovision that he declined to have anything to do with the whole wretched business and I for one don't blame him. Mind you, he also wrote “Walking On Sunshine” and thus doesn’t actually need to work much these days.

Wildswimmer Pete said...

I remember well when the UK won the 1967 Euro Song Contest with "Puppet On A String" by Sandie Shaw. I was in my teens back then. Amazing times.

robjones75 said...

Must have been a different Mr Rew who subsequently tried to qualify for the UK with a different song then.

Anonymous said...

We know you ranting righties are bereft of humanity, so it doesn't surprise us that you can't see softshite just had his arse handed to him on a plate. As usual.

Arnold said...

Brexovision means Brexovision.

John O'Connell said...

It’s very strange and not at all coincidental that every time the teaboy gets spotted being an absolute dick, he or someone else claims “it was just a joke”.

And it’s not coincidental at all that anybody who defend him is usually “anonymous”.

Jonathan said...

What Teaboy has forgot is that our European friends have actually moved onto a higher plane of music, showmanship and songwriting. Whereas the UK keeps offering up bland, middle of the road songs via Identikit performers all cleared as 'safe' by the BBC.

The BBC should really take responsibility for the UK's dire performances and results instead of blaming it on geopolitical stitchups.

Teaboy would be wise to grow up and stop playing the WW2 card, but he won't as it appeals to his RW grifter base.

Anonymous said...

Amazing conspiracy this year. The Euros hate us so much that they arranged for Spain and Germany to do almost as shit as we did and because they always vote on politics they showed their displeasure with Israel by giving them 93 points more than the UK. A seething political response to Putin's shenanigans meant Russia got a mere 204 points more than us as well.

Apparently they also let Italy win because the EUSSR will collapse and they felt a bit worried Italy would leave after the Covid response, so it was totally rigged and they won because of that, not because their blonde bass player was dead nice and millions of mums/daughters/gay lads were a bit overwhelmed by their rocking lead singer.

(Message to self: Right-wing Twitter on a Sunday morning is too much at the best of times, but today, yikes...)

Anonymous said...

"Walking On Sunshine" is the most psychotic song in existence (think about it). It's along the same lines as a living room that's illuminated by a dull shadeless bulb hanging from the ceiling. Fcuking creepy.

Anonymous said...

'Looking forward' to Harwood's efforts on GB News, I wonder how long it'll be before he's sacked for incompetence?
His habit of tweeting lies is a foretaste of the amateurish 'professionalism' that awaits us.

J said...

Anonymous @ 23 May 2021 at 11:58

Hello Hardwood. We know that's you mate.

Honestly with your stupidity and bias Mr Hardwood its no wonder you've got a job with: "Gammon Bastard News; the official news channel of the national front".