Dominic Cummings - Go Home, You’re Drunk

While his boss - that’s assuming that alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson gives the orders, rather than taking them - was losing his first vote in the Commons last night, chief polecat Dominic Cummings was rather at a loose end. And it seems that, having so little to do, he then proceeded to the Rub-A-Dub, where he became Elephant’s Trunk and Mozart. Worse, everyone knew about it.

Cummings - soon to be Goings

The first danger signs came as the Guardian’s Peter Walker told “I just bumped into Dominic Cummings, who was clutching a glass of red wine and wandering along the parliamentary press corridor, lost and looking for a particular newspaper office. This is not a usual occurrence”. Looking for a news outlet to rant at? Then it got worse.

Polecat Dom somehow managed to stagger across to Portcullis House, where his meanderings passed before the inspection of the Sunday Times political editor Tim Shipman, who observed “Dominic Cummings just bumped into [Jeremy] Corbyn in Portcullis House and shouted ‘Come on Jeremy, let’s do this election, don’t be scared’. My spy says Corbyn was bundled away by horrified aides”.

That wasn’t quite how Labour’s Cat Smith saw it. “As one of several shadow cabinet members stood right next to Jeremy (who was on the phone at the time) I just thought there was some loud bloke who stunk of booze yelling at us”. So when Michael Rosen asked “Report that after Johnson lost, Dominic Cummings in corridor, drunk, yelling at Corbyn. True?”, the answer was, more or less, yes he was.

The response from other Tweeters was not exactly positive: “Thread for the ages, Dominic Cummings (you may know him from that Benedict Cumberbatch Brexit movie) is currently wandering about drunk and shouting at people” was one take. And there was more. “‘I just thought there was some loud bloke who stunk of booze yelling at us.’ This follows reports of Cummings wandering the corridors, red wine in hands. Seems he's a stroppy drunk who doesn't take defeat well. I'm sure he'll get used to it” was another.

The Tweeter known as BrexitBin noted “Cummings apparently got drunk on free wine last night and tried to goad Corbyn into calling a General Election. Drunk & disorderly in Westminster is a new low even for him. The way to beat these people is not to play their game. Put them under pressure and they crack”. Didn’t need much pressure, did it?

Meanwhile, the Mirror confirmed “The oddball strategist had previously been seen conspicuously prowling the corridors of the Commons press gallery, clutching a glass of red wine. And he unexpectedly attended a briefing of Lobby journalists earlier in the evening”. And the paper’s Kevin Maguire had more about the Polecat.

In his diary piece for the Staggers, he tells “Boris Johnson’s inner circle fear that Benedict Cumberbatch has gone to Dominic Cummings’s head and the crazed assassin’s inflated deceit would disrupt a complex general election. One No 10 staffer blamed setting the police on Sajid Javid’s adviser Sonia Khan - described as a fratricidal act when she’s a true Brextremist from the TaxPayers’ Alliance - on an increasingly Deranged Dom believing ‘his own propaganda’ since TV fame visited”. Not a good look.

Cummings is cracking up. Expect more pissed apparitions before he is taken away.

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