Cameron Tells Kippers - Do As You’re Told

As if anyone needed to know just how impartial most of our free and fearless press is not, the appeal yesterday from Young Dave for those who have forsaken his party for Nigel “Thirsty” Farage and his fellow saloon-bar propper-uppers at UKIP has underscored their desperation: not only the Telegraph, but also the Mail and Sun, have piled in behind the Cameron message, talking up the Tories and running down the Kippers.

You over thyah! Kipper cheppie! Vote for me! Jolly good sheow!

“'Come back home': Cameron issues impassioned plea to Ukip supporters to vote Tory to keep Miliband out of Number 10” tells the Mail, backed up by Daily Mail Comment, the authentic voice of the Vagina Monologue, telling “through the fog a clear distinction is emerging … the Tories want to let people to keep more of their money to spend as they see fit”. Come on now, obedient voters, answer that dog whistle!

The Tel damns Mr Thirsty with faint praise, telling “Ukip, under the leadership of Nigel Farage, transformed British politics, and performed a service by bringing issues such as immigration into the mainstream of national debate” before performing the all-important switch by warning “Yet now voters must decide how to cast their ballots”. For whom should they now vote? Well, Dave’s initiative “should be applauded”. That means vote Tory.

And the Super Soaraway Currant Bun is in lockstep: “reality is dawning on those considering voting Ukip … Farage will not be Prime Minister on May 8. Nor is he likely to be dictating terms to whoever is … [Tories] steered the economy off the rocks and made it the envy of the world [ho ho ho] … [Labour] can take power only with the support of the SNP, which would drag it further into left-wing lunacy than even Miliband might like”.

The Sun editorial then tells it to the voters straight: “the way our system works, a vote for Ukip is effectively a vote for … chaos - because Ukip hurts the Tories more than Labour … If you’re still considering a protest vote, be warned … It could be a very costly mistake”. So they want you to vote Tory, too. However, and here we encounter a significantly sized however, their chosen leader is not helping his own cause.

This is, according to the pro-Tory Mail, what Cameron said yesterday on the campaign trail in Bristol: “Look, we’ve heard the message loud and clear about the things you want to see changed and we’ll change those things. Come with us, come back home to us, rather than risk all of this good work being undone”. He wants those who have left the Tories to return, but instead of asking them nicely, he issues instructions.

“Now look here all you Kipper-leaning cheps and chepesses” says Dave, and immediately causes wavering Kippers to dig in their heels and become even more determined not to do the bidding of an old Etonian who treats them as his Sixth Form self would have treated a “fag”. The Mail says “Mr Cameron also conceded that he understood the ‘frustrations’ of Ukip voters. It is a significant peace offering by the Prime Minister, who once dismissed Ukip as ‘fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists’”. But he hasn’t taken back those words.

Voters are not there to be instructed. They are there to be persuaded. Bad move, Dave.