Piers Morgan’s New Sun Column ISN’T

The Super Soaraway Currant Bun has been enthusiastically trailing the imminent readmission of former Screws and Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan into the ranks of the Murdoch mafiosi. It has been rumoured that Morgan is being paid several millions a year for his services - so what is Rupe going to get for his considerable outlay?

And what's more, Ron ...

Will there be some spark of originality to justify the price tag? Some new insights on the worlds of journalism, showbusiness, sport and politics, subjects on which Morgan takes great pleasure in pontificating, ad infinitum, and, indeed, ad nauseam? Will there be a new take on leisure and travel, in which his possibly over-egged remuneration packages have allowed him to indulge? But you know the answer to all of those questions.

And it’s a big NO. But there will be the usual name-dropping, hot air generation, sneering dismissal of those of opposing view, demonstrations of conspicuous consumption, and the same obsessions. Which means, yes, he’s still moaning about Megs.

Hence the headline of the Sun article: “Meghan Markle tried to cancel me - she’s in for a very nasty surprise, says Piers Morgan ahead of his new Sun column”. Reality and honesty need not detain Murdoch’s star signing. But do go on. “Nine months after refusing to apologise to Meghan Markle - which saw him unceremoniously axed from Good Morning Britain - the star is back: Bigger, better, bolder and, now, uncensored”.

Mouth artist with column at Mail Online and millions of Twitter followers - plus his industry connections - censored? Cancelled? Bullshit. But sadly, there is more. “He launches his new, no-holds-barred column in The Sun next week and, naturally, promises to have the last word on the mouthy Duchess of Sussex”. He’s going to moan about Megs.

Piers who?

He says so himself: “Pushy little Princess Pinocchio tried her utmost to cancel me, and she will be in for a very unpleasant surprise when I emerge, like Lazarus, from my den … It was a pretty bruising experience on Good Morning Britain but I’m now working somewhere where I’m free to express my opinions”. Yes folks, him shooting his mouth off on GMB was not freedom to express his opinions. Did I mention that he’s going to moan about Megs?

You think I jest? “Every time Meghan and Harry try and pull a fast one on the royals I’ll be there to hold them to account”. And then comes an unfortunate admission. “Speaking from his Beverly Hills home - just 70 miles from the Duke and Duchess’s £11million mansion in Montecito”. It’s jealousy, isn’t it? Their place is bigger than his, right?

And on top of that, he thinks she fancied him. No, seriously: in a part of the article modestly titled “Piers meets Piers”, Morgan asks himself “Do you, deep down, think she once had a slight crush on you?” to which he answers “No question. Nobody’s ever slid faster into my DMs after I’ve followed them on social media”. Delusion, meet denial.

All of that feeds in to an obsessive itch that Morgan can’t stop himself very publicly scratching. So when The All-New Percy Moron Show™ debuts on TalkTV, expect him to carry on exactly where he left off at GMB and, later, Mail Online. Moaning about Megs.

“I’m a very rare animal in the world of television” he tells the Sun. It’s certainly rare to be bunged such a huge wad to moan about someone who isn’t interested. Sad, really.

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