Widders Demands Parallel Universe

Typical of those happy Brexiteers who want the Government to make its own rules unencumbered by all those rotten foreigners in Brussels, only to let slip that what they really mean is they want to please themselves, short-term MEP Ann Widdecombe has decided that she wants nothing to do with the idea of wearing a face covering in shops.

So it was that she was given a platform by the Daily Brexit, still called the Express, to talk well, but lie badly, about the Covid-19 pandemic, telling readers “SO MUCH for Boris Johnson's ‘land of liberty’. Since June 15 people have been visiting all manner of shops without masks and coronavirus continues to decline”. The number of infections has, in fact, begun to rise again. And many were already wearing face coverings. But do go on.

“Yet, the Government has now decreed we must all wear masks in shops. Science is divided over the effectiveness of masks and the disease is in retreat”. Science is NOT divided, and Covid-19 is NOT in retreat. Minor points, though, eh? But she is prepared to be magnanimous. “I could have accepted this had it been advisory rather than compulsory and enforceable by law”. I’m sure Covid-19 works on this basis too. Or rather not.

But it is her brilliant idea to square this particular circle that has just come to the attention of a wider public, thanks to the New European. “Perhaps shops should allow certain hours when the mask dissenters can shop unmuzzled in the same way as they have allocated special times to the elderly”. Ah, the law should not apply during certain times of the day in order to allow lawbreakers free rein. The possibilities are endless.

There could be a No Speed Limit Hour on the motorway network. Or a No Alcohol Or Drug Test Hour late in the evening to allow pissed and/or stoned drivers to get back from the alehouse or snorting session without risking being pulled over and nicked for it. Maybe there could also be a Take A Dump On The Pavement hour, or a Pissing Highest Up The Wall hour, without the risk of being apprehended for participating.

The problem, of course, is that any or all of these could spread disease, or even death and injury, although there could be useful marginal ticket revenue to be had from the Nigel Farage Tribute Excessive Beer Consumption Washing Down Half A Dozen Pickled Eggs And Five Bags Of Crisps Followed By Ceremonial Projectile Vomiting Hour.

Widders’ problem is that she wants her own parallel universe where she and her pals get to please themselves, thus demonstrating that it was never about Europe, but just about enjoying the privilege of avoiding all those ghastly rules and regulations which should only affect the little people. Sadly for her, Covid-19 does not award privilege to the powerful, as alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson discovered.

And although Ann Widdecombe might dislike the idea of face coverings, the fact remains that those in her age group (she’s 73 this year) are the ones most at risk from Covid-19. The face covering rule is for her own good, although this is a concept she clearly finds challenging. She might want to put herself in the nearest ICU, but the Government, emergency services, and NHS staff, would rather she desisted.

Widders should stick to being a comedy turn. She’s marginally more credible that way.

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