Boris Makes Shagging Illegal

And so the lockdown is eased a little - which had already effectively happened, given the continuing dry and warm weather, the response to chief Downing Street polecat Dominic Cummings getting away with busting the rules anyway, and the realisation that the Police do not possess sufficient resources to stop lockdown busting if enough folks do it.

Hold your horses, Bozo ...

Still, among all the controversy over the continuing high level of Covid-19 infections, the standing joke that is England’s “world class” track and trace system, and a return to school for all except those at minor hold-outs like Eton, there is, for legal eagles, a new series of regulations to pore over, and lawyers like Adam Wagner have been sifting the detail.

... you just outlawed seeing her

It was not long before he happened upon an interesting nugget. “Third big change - now illegal for there to be a gathering of 2 or more people in private places, which includes your own home, unless it falls within one of the (it seems exhaustive) list of reasonable excuses - can be people from same household (obviously) - for work etc”. How this was going to be policed was another matter, but there it was. But then there was another revelation.

Ronnie MacLennan Baird, who appears to be based in the Falkland Islands, and so has no axe to grind in the matter, pursued the new law and concluded “Which, read with the definition in para 4, means that sex between two people not already living together is being made illegal: sex in a public place was already against the law ;-)”. Oh, hello?

What does the definition say? First, the new Regulation 7. “During the emergency period … no person may participate in a gathering which takes place in a public or private place … indoors, and consists of more than two persons”. But then comes Paragraph 3.

This is quite explicit. “For the purposes of this regulation … there is a gathering when two or more people are present together in the same place in order to engage in any form of social interaction with each other, or to undertake any other activity with each other”.

What say Adam Wagner? "Afraid to say this is correct. I can't believe I'm about to tweet this. From tomorrow sex between two (or more) people in a private place who do not live in the same household is a 'gathering' between 2 or more people and is therefore illegal … Unless - to avoid harm - for work purposes (I know) - to private [provide?] care or assistance to a vulnerable person - to provide emergency assistance”. Yes, well.

He also notes “And the strange things about these regulations is the list of reasonable excuses has become exhaustive, which means unless it's on the list it can't be a reasonable excuse”. So there you have it: even if secreted away in a private house, if two people having sex do not live in the same household, that sex is now illegal.

And as alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is not on the list of reasonable excuses, then the extra-curricular shagging ban applies to him too.

How long before the first test case comes to court? Be upstanding, and all that.

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