Bozo Big Ben Bong Bob Bung Baloney BUSTED

[Update at end of post]

The idiocy that is Brexit has today been distilled down into one pointless exercise: a campaign to get Big Ben to chime at 2300 hours on January 31st, the hour which will make the UK’d planned departure from the European Union. The pretence that leaving the EU will restore some kind of freedom has to be maintained; therefore the moment must be celebrated. Also, the right-wing press has to have something to generate cheap copy.

As the Guardian has reported today, “Speaking to BBC One’s Breakfast on Tuesday, Johnson said the government was ‘working up a plan so people can bung a bob for a Big Ben bong’”. The ghost of Bob Monkhouse walks among us yet. Sadly, “the House of Commons Commission, which organises the day-to-day running of parliament, said the bell was ‘unlikely’ to sound on 31 January, in part due to the estimated cost of £500,000”.

Why so costly? “Work needed would include restoring the clock chime mechanism, testing it, and building a temporary floor in the belfry to allow the work to take place. This would in turn delay the ongoing conservation work by up to four weeks, costing £100,000 alone”. Worse, “It later emerged that Johnson’s ‘plan’ for a public fund to finance the work does not exist”. The PM’s spokesman has now confirmed that minor detail.

Brexiteers were in a tailspin. The Daily Brexit, still called the Express, thundered “3,338 days since the Daily Express urged ‘Get Britain out of the EU’. When the clock strikes 11pm on January 31, our blessed freedom from the confines of Brussels will be secure and a new chapter in the great history of this nation will begin. As a potent symbol of this landmark moment, one thing is certain … BIG BEN MUST BONG FOR BREXIT”.

Any advance on this level of Wibble and Hatstand? Sadly, yes there is, and it has come from the Murdoch Sun and its non-bullying political editor Tom Newton Dunn. “BRITS were last night urged to get behind Boris Johnson’s call for £500,000 so that Big Ben can bong to mark Brexit … Pro-Brexit billionaire and philanthropist Lord Ashcroft said he would underwrite the fund by £100,000 if it falls short”. Nige? Where’s Mr Thirsty?

You don’t have long to wait. “Brexit Party boss Nigel Farage told The Sun: ‘Big Ben must bong. If the Government aren’t prepared to pay the cost, then the people will.’” But what was this? “House of Commons chiefs yesterday turned down 60 pro-Brexit MPs’ pleas to reconnect the clock’s bells for Brexit - on grounds of spiralling cost”.

The audacity of them, wanting to use public money as efficiently as possible! “Brexiteers were left furious, claiming the move has already been authorised twice in the last two months to see the clock bong for Remembrance Sunday as well as New Year’s Eve”. And where was the comedy turn? Where was The People’s Mark François?

Here he was: “Leading Tory Eurosceptic Mark Francois yesterday pledged £1,000 of his money towards the funding. Calling for others to contribute, Mr Francois said: ‘I’m sure the BBC can help.  Perhaps the staff of the Today Programme could have a cake sale’”. As if we need to ask who’d eat them all. But this is complete tosh.

If Brexiteers think this is the hill on which they are prepared to die, heaven help the UK.

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[UPDATE 16 January 1640 hours: as the Guardian has now confirmed, the Big Ben Bongs are not going to happen on January 31st.

Indeed, 10 Downing Street, whose best-known occupant started this particular hare running, is now telling that "it will not happen even if the public raises the £500,000 to pay for it".

Mark François (note cedilla under the c) will be inconsolable. Good thing too]