UKIP Vanishes Up Its Own Arse

Since the former political party and current clown car known as UKIP allowed Adolf von Batten to become its leader in February last year, the downwards trajectory has been ever steeper. Batten’s obsession with both the far right, and Islam, has driven supporters away and alienated voters. His departure could have seen a line drawn under this farce; it has not. Now, under new leader “Dick” Braine, matters have gone from bad to worse.

Yes, he really is called Dick Braine

Braine declared that Batten would be his deputy leader. UKIP’s NEC vetoed the appointment. There has been open hostility between the likes of Neil “A Liar And A Cheat” Hamilton (backed by the NEC) and Braine and Batten. Meanwhile, UKIP polled a miserable 3.3% of the popular vote in the European Parliament elections, and at the Brecon and Radnor by-election, came last - behind the Monster Raving Loony Party.

I em not a racialist but, und zis is a big but ...

After all of that, what UKIP desperately needed was a period of quiet reflection, in order to gain back a little of the credibility that Braine (who had, in the meantime, tried to cancel his own party’s annual conference) and Batten had sprayed up the wall. It didn’t happen.

Instead, earlier this week, Batten went public on his falling-out with the NEC. “My article on Kippercentral explaining the current situation in UKIP & how to resolve matters - a free & fair NEC election allowing us to move on … The NEC has gone rogue & members are being arbitrarily suspended. They have to be replaced”. This merely made matters worse.

Kirstan Herriot, current chair of UKIP, then took genuinely decisive action: “I have been forced to take serious action against Richard Braine, Tony Sharp, Jeff Armstrong and Mark Dent who have now all been suspended from the party”. Worse for Adolf, “I have now made a report to the Police - Action Fraud Department for their part in an attempted theft of UKIP data which took place on Wednesday 16th October”.

Then it all kicked off, with John O’Connell reporting “Further information : Gerard Batten has been arrested. One source says 'for an email deemed to be racist'. Other sources say 'threatening behaviour’”. Or had he? “Batten now claiming it's a 'false alarm’ ... despite the word coming from official Ukip outlet”. Batten says he hasn’t been nicked. Yet.

“False alarm. Don’t know how this rumour started. I expect  just another dirty trick by person or persons unknown. I have never been arrested in my life & and I don’t intend to start aged 65. My dealings with the police have always been as a victim of crime, numerous times”. The Head And Shoulders was purchased legitimately, then.

Amateur comedy kidnapper Danny Tommo, who had broken that news, was, for once in his life, apologetic. “It’s came from someone in [UKIP] very strange! My apologies to you Gerard! I got it wrong!” This was followed by “Please accept our sincerest apologies. Information was given to Danny which proved to be incorrect. We have deleted our posts relating to it ~ admin”. Danny Tommo has his own admin? Yeah, right.

And all the while, memberships are being cancelled as the remaining Kipper faithful lose patience with the clown car’s latest crash. Next thing, they’ll start suing one another.

The age of UKIP was for a time, but not for all time. Just rejoice at that news.

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