Boris Better Brexit IS A FANTASY

Times are not good for the remaining real journalists at the increasingly desperate and downmarket Telegraph: hardly had they been caught out pilfering a Bellingcat exclusive on the identity of one of the two Russians alleged to have been involved in the Salisbury poisoning, than the paper goes full Narnia and leads on a series of highly creative claims from London’s formerly very occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

Under the headline “My plan for a better Brexit” (shurely "paycheque"? - Ed), Bozza tells anyone still awake “There has been a collective failure of Government, and a collapse of will by the British establishment, to deliver on the mandate of the people … This is the moment to change the course of the negotiations”. The Government that he was part of until very recently, and the British establishment of which he is been a part, if only a spare one.

Still, we might as well see what the Tel is getting in exchange for bunging Bozza £260,000 a year, apart from generating More And Bigger Paycheques For Himself Personally Now. Has anything been proposed, apart from sitting on the sidelines and whinging?

Well, yes it has. And here it is. A Six Point Plan, the first of which is to “Chuck Chequers”, which is not really a point, is it? It’s just, er, sitting on the sidelines and whinging. Still, on to point 2, “Scrap Irish backstop and rewrite withdrawal agreement”. Very good Bozza - without an “Irish backstop” there will be no solution to the Irish border question, with the likelihood that Northern Ireland gets screwed over. There are certain niceties to observe.

Still, on to point 3. “Negotiate ‘Super Canada’ free trade deal”. Ri-i-i-i-ight. The Canada-EU free trade deal took FIVE YEARS to negotiate, and since its completion in 2014 has yet to be ratified. We’ve got until the end of November. Plus the Canada deal doesn’t include financial services. You know, Bozza, that City of London thingy. You remember London - the place you were supposed to be Mayor of, but never really bothered.

Anyhow, do go on. Point 4 is “Invest in border controls”. Christ on a bike, we already have border controls. Six Point Plan? More like Phil Space Plan. Is it worth going on?

Maybe not. Point 5 is “Prepare for No Deal”. Shit and slide in it, we’re ALREADY preparing for No Deal. Perhaps Bozza wants to prepare a bit more energetically? No, not really.

And so we arrive at the windswept border hamlet that is Point 6: “Start trade negotiations around the world in April”. Er, this is a joke, isn’t it?

What about trying to roll over some of those scores of FTAs we already benefit from via the EU? Do we drop all those and hope all the firms who depend on them don’t (a) go bust, or (b) up sticks and go elsewhere? If we don’t strike some kind of a deal, the Government of the day will have its hands full dealing with the economic slump, mass unemployment and subsequent unrest, never mind negotiating more trade deals.

This is a pointless story, featuring a pointless politician, in a now pointless newspaper. Bozza would not be able to identify a trade deal if it jumped up and fly-hacked him in the undercarriage. He is unfit to shovel shit from Heap A to Heap B unsupervised.

But he is able to score payouts from gullible editors. No change there, then.

Enjoy your visit to Zelo Street? You can help this truly independent blog carry on talking truth to power, while retaining its sense of humour, by adding to its Just Giving page at

https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/zelostreet1