Piers Morgan Self-Pity PWNED

As the summer breaks end and schools go back, so TV programmes have switched back to their first choice presenters. So we’ve seen Huw Edwards back on the BBC’s main night-time news, the return of The Andy Marr Show (tm), and over at ITV, the reappearance of former Screws and Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan on the obligatory sofa alongside his long-suffering co-host Susanna Reid.

You what? You're suffering? I'll tell you who's suffering, matey

This has also provided yet another opportunity, if one were needed, for Morgan to indulge in the activity from which he clearly derives the greatest satisfaction - the promotion of Himself Personally Now. This, at least, distracts from all those descending into helpless laughter at his exhibitions of impotent rage whenever Arsenal FC go all the way to Liverpool, only to come away with another ritual drubbing.

This time, though, Morgan has come up with another way of attracting attention, although, sadly, it has not proved impossible to ridicule: he wants his adoring followers, if there are any such people out there, to know that he has been in the wars. Poor Piers needs the world to take pity on him. “UPDATE: I'll be co-hosting @GMB tomorrow with 3 broken ribs. For the more fragile snowflakes among you, this is called 'manning up’” he told.

Sadly, this campaign then progressed not necessarily to his advantage, as Morgan was deservedly subjected to a torrent of ridicule, some gentle, some less so. Robert Trobich, who may have had the dubious privilege of seeing The Great Man failing to reverse the drop in ratings on his CNN show, observed “Wow, however will you bear up under the sitting and talking?” Sitting on a sofa does not, it is true, appear unusually hazardous.

Abby Honold, who speaks on less comfortable topics than sofa-sitting, was equally unconvinced: “Fragile snowflakes are the ones who use stuff like this to reinforce their own masculinity”. So not much love from those Stateside, then.

How about someone closer to home? Robert Webb, momentarily donning his serious hat, was also unimpressed: “It's also called 'stoicism' or 'courage'. I've seen men & women do it all my life without lamely disparaging others or requiring a medal”. The only danger Morgan faced was a dig in those ribs from Ms Reid, admittedly a serious possibility.

And from elsewhere in the breakfast TV fraternity, there was nothing more that Morgan being damned by the faintest of praise - by his opposite number at the BBC, Dan Walker, who replaced Bill Turnbull on the Beeb’s own sofa. “I'm surprised you're able to tweet with those broken ribs. So impressed with the way you're just getting on with it”. Mee-ow!

As if that were not brush-off enough, by this morning poor Piers suffered the ultimate put down of his snowflake behaviour, as Susanna Reid reminded him who was the real sufferer in all of this: “I have to work with you. #WomanUp”.

Yes, no matter what privations Piers Morgan has to endure, there is always someone in a less fortunate situation - the poor soul who has to co-host Good Morning Britain with him.