Tony Parsons Bunny Boiler Bilge

It has not been a good week for has-been Sun hack Tony Parsons, as he realises that not only do the citizens of most other EU member states not care about whether Britain stays or goes, but that their press is taking the piss out of our Europhobic media and compliant politicians. This news cannot be allowed to reach Sun readers. So he has launched on a bizarre rant where, once again, everyone is out of step bar Creepy Uncle Rupe.

“UK’s not scared of the Brussels bunny boilers who reacted to Theresa May’s calm Brexit plans with hysterical, irrational fury” he blethered, going on to claim “The front page of German newspaper Die Welt, sneered 'Little Britain', even though her majestic speech spoke of a UK that was ready to embrace the world”. Yes, turning our backs on a market of 500 million people for no guaranteed replacement is really, really global.

But do go on. “OUR jilted EU partners are increasingly behaving like the Glenn Close character in Fatal Attraction … Our decision to end the relationship has left the EU hurt, humiliated and mad enough to boil your bunny … Hell hath no fury like a Little European scorned”. Yeah, right. Look Tone, I hate to have to break it to you, but … it’s like this, see … they couldn’t give a flying foxtrot. They aren’t sneering. They’re laughing at you.

Parsons is having none of that: he’s wrapped himself up in the Union Flag in an act of defiant delusion. “In our nation today, there is a growing awareness that leaving the European Union will restore us to our historical role as a global trading nation … We have been in the EU for decades. But we have traded with the world for CENTURIES”. And the only time we did well out of it, we bent the rules to suit ourselves.

Or did Tone miss that one? Empire Free Trade it was called, and basically it meant we got to screw over all those countries we’d subjugated, use their resources to enrich ourselves, and all the while keep Johnny Foreigner well out of the way. Well, guess what, Tony Parsons? All those countries don’t want to play that game any more. And most of our trade is with, er, the rest of the EU. Or did you miss that?

Indeed, if we were to double the trade we did with the USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and India, it would still fall short of what we’re angling to lose by turning our backs on the EU. Still, on with the delusion: “Future generations will see our membership of the EU as an aberration. Our country ALWAYS embraced the entire world”. We trade with the entire world even as a member of the EU. And he’s missing one other detail.

“We will not be threatened. We will not be bullied. And we prefer no deal to a bad deal” Parsons moans. But they don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care. And they aren’t “Brussels bunny boilers”, are they? Look at those papers he’s slagging off - Die Welt is based in Berlin. DNES is Bulgarian. Le Figaro is from Paris, as is Libération. El Mundo is based in Madrid, La Stampa in Turin, and the Irish Independent in Dublin.

They have stuff all to do with Brussels. All they are doing is reflecting the reality that Tony Parsons, and the rest of the Murdoch goons, are unable or unwilling to face up to. “Global Britain” is an empty vessel, an utterly meaningless concept. The rest of the EU has seen through Theresa May’s empty words and is laughing derisively at her impotent rage.

Poor Tony Parsons. He was credible 40 years ago. But now he isn’t. And never will be.