Dacre Besotted With May

Picture, if you will, a school playground. The older students have just welcomed a new pupil, a quiet, slightly posh girl who has been made a prefect. Not many people know her, and those that do aren’t sure that she’s much of a team player, or cares very much about them. Some teachers don’t rate her academically. But for the school bully, it is all so different. He is always ready to rush to the aid of the new girl.

Who says I'm making a f***ing idiot of myself, c***?!? Er, with the greatest of respect, Mr Jay

The school bully sees in the new girl a way to demonstrate his power. He’s generally pretty crap with girls, so thinks he’s got a chance with the new girl, even though she’s just stringing him along. He’s making a complete fool of himself, but such is the fear of the other students that none of them dare point out the obvious. For him, she can do no wrong. Whatever she chooses to do is fine by the school bully.

And that, dear readers, is, in a nutshell, the real life relationship between our new and not at all unelected (honest) Prime Minister Theresa May, and the legendarily foul mouthed Paul Dacre, bully boy editor of the Daily Mail. Dacre has long been known to have a problem with women, and his projection of all his beliefs on to Ms May demonstrates little more than unrequited adoration, the sign that he is utterly besotted with her.

So when today’s Daily Mail Comment, the authentic voice of the Vagina Monologue, was committed to print last night, nobody else at the paper would have had the courage to tell him that his adoration for the PM was looking a teensy bit obvious. “Could there be more eloquent proof than the extraordinary events of the last week that the Remoaners will grasp at any straw, however flimsy, in their cynical bid to sabotage Brexit negotiations – and subvert the democratic will of the British people?” it begins.

Then comes the first sign of adoration: “And didn’t those events also demonstrate just how resolute the Prime Minister is in her determination to thwart them?” It gets worse. “Sir Ivan Rogers resigned as ambassador to the EU with a petulant and treacherous sideswipe at Mrs May … Cue the usual shower of embittered Remainers, lining up to lavish praise on Sir Ivan … What a motley crew these Jeremiahs were”. Do go on.

“Within 48 hours, this concocted hysteria - seized on gleefully by the BBC - simply evaporated”. BBC behind it all: CHECK! Er, so how come it “evaporated”? “Rather than getting involved in a war of words, Mrs May had neutralised him with quiet, ruthless efficiency”. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope, perhaps?

The grovelling gets yet worse: “Our PM’s calm assurance augurs well for the difficult negotiations ahead. The road may be rocky but her aim is simple … there are many big issues aside from Brexit and Mrs May will need all her steel to tackle them … the naysayers will continue to snipe … she should ignore their carping and get on with the job. With a 17-point poll lead she has the country firmly on her side … Britain stands on the threshold of a new age of genuine self-government. If Mrs May can guide us safely across it, she will go down in history as one of the great Tory prime ministers”.

Pass the sick bucket. Poor Paul Dacre. There he is, making a prize fool of himself, and Theresa May couldn’t give a fig about him. Having a schoolboy crush in your late 60s looks toe-curlingly embarrassing. But not for those of us who can’t stop laughing.