Karen Danczuk’s La-La Land

And so it came to pass: as Zelo Street told you all yesterday, the Sun On Sunday has brought forth an “Exclusive” on the travails of Rochdale MP Simon Danczuk’s ex-wife Karen. All that has not been told is the £10,000 price tag that Kazza agreed before spilling her version of the beans. And her version of the beans is enough to give the whole readership of the Sunday Sun rather a lot of disagreeable wind.

Karen Danczuk - not seeking fame (allegedly)

The lack of accuracy begins at the beginning: “'I FEARED HE WAS GOING TO KILL ME' Karen Danczuk says she’s ‘scarred for life’ after MP hubby Simon kicked in glass door during crazed bust-up on family holiday”. They are divorced. So he isn’t her “hubby”. But do go on. “The selfie queen was left fearing for her life after violent row at the couple's holiday home in Alicante”. It’s not in Alicante. It’s in Algorfa, several miles away.

Still, we get to find out what happened when Si and Kazza had their bust-up. Well, sort of: “ENRAGED Simon Danczuk violently kicked at a thick glass door until it came crashing down on to his ex-wife Karen, leaving her fearing for her life … She was standing directly behind the door when the entire piece of glass dropped from the frame and knocked her to the floor … Sharp edges slashed at her skin and she regained consciousness to find herself lying in a pool of blood”. A photo of the door is helpfully included.

We’re expected to believe that a recently constructed apartment has a glass-pannelled door where the glass shatters if it drops out. Perhaps Spanish glazing is somehow inferior to the British kind that is toughened and difficult to break. And it shattered so badly that it caused two deep wounds which required 40 stitches.

Still, onwards and, er, onwards, eh? Tell us what happened. “Simon wasn’t in a good mood … I could tell … When we were married he could be grumpy, fly into a mood … But I’ve never seen him violent before”. Perhaps she has forgotten the Alicante incident all those years ago that ended with her being dumped at the airport with no money.

And what of the cops? “I had to go back to the police station once I wasn’t so groggy and confirm I didn’t want to press charges … They wanted me to, but I’d made up my mind”. Why did she do this? For the children? Er, no: “Now Karen is worried she will lose her romance with David”. For the love of a Spanish waiter. “I haven’t told him the full story … I don’t want him to think he’s to blame”. Aw, bless. And then the pièce de résistance.

“When he saw my injuries he was lovely, caring … I want to keep our relationship private”. YOU JUST TOLD MILLIONS OF SUN READERS ABOUT IT. But she’s not finished yet: “He’s a wonderful man … He has changed the way I think … Since meeting him I am not bothered about money, fame, all those things”. THAT’S WHY YOU’VE JUST PARADED YOURSELF IN THE SUN AND BILLED THEM £10K FOR THE PRIVILEGE.

But remember, folks, Kazza’s all heart: “I hope Simon gets help”. Will Spanker Si get help in the near future? Is there more interesting news to come on that front? Well, guess what? You might wish to ask that. I couldn’t possibly comment.