Trump Says It Could Have Been Yes

As Alex Salmond prepares to do the right thing, acknowledge that there will not be another vote on Scotland’s future for a generation, and that means it won’t feature him, somewhere across the North Atlantic, an ego that puts his firmly in the shade has spoken on the subject of leadership, and how the Yes campaign could have won the day, if only they had listened to him.

Donald, where's yer hairspray?

Yes, in the tacky and tasteless world of conspicuous consumption, gobshite extraordinaire Donald Trump has paused between applications of hairspray to tell anyone listening that only Himself Personally Now is capable of sorting out the problems facing the States, and that Salmond is his friend (for letting him screw around with the environment and build a golf course).

Sadly, The Donald also fails to see when His Adoring Public is taking the piss. Take for instance his approval of one Tweeter who suggested “Mr Trump, I would love to see you spice things up, and cut a rug on Dancing With The Stars [USA version of Strictly]”. Someone seems not to have told him that “rug” is also slang for “hairpiece”. But don’t have a wig-out over it, eh?

Trump does not dwell on such trivialities, commending another Tweeter who opined “Donald Trump is the only man who can save this country and run it efficiently”. He asserts that “Many agree”. That, of course, is why Trump will talk the talk on a 2016 run, and then not run, just like all the other times he has pretended he will run, and then not run. He’s the ultimate sham candidate.

That does not stop him encouraging the saddoes who Tweet him encouragement, especially if they are prone to fantasise about “in 2017 when Obama (hopefully) leaves office and we can begin to rebuild America from his nightmare”. Barack Obama, as with all Presidents, is term limited and so will definitely leave office in early 2017. But his replacement will not be Donald Trump.

But on to the Scottish referendum, and here, Trump claims to speak as a friend to the soon-to-depart First Minister. “The people of Scotland have spoken – a great decision. I wish Alex Salmond well and look forward to playing golf with him at Aberdeen!” he proclaimed. His controversial “golf resort” is several miles out of the Granite City, but details, eh? At least he got the country right.

He also thinks he could have got the vote right for his pal: “I am convinced that if Alex Salmond had not pushed ugly wind turbines all over Scotland, the vote would have been much better for him!” That, folks, is purest bullshit: the issue did not so much as register, and even if it had, renewable energy would probably have counted in the Yes campaign’s favour. Trump’s belief does not trump reality.

So don’t have nightmares over in the USA. He still isn’t going to be President. Ever.