Mike Fabricant – You’re A Tosser

One can only marvel at the inclusiveness of today’s Tory Party: its ability to welcome into its ranks so many who have completed comprehensive dickish studies in the faculty of dickishness at Dickish University in the county of Dickishshire is without parallel. And one of the Tories’ greatest exponents of dickishness is an MP: step forward Mike Fabricant, who represents the unfortunate voters of Lichfield.

Mr Not Very Fab-Dabby-Dozy had observed a disagreement on the subject of “British Values” during a mildly heated debate on yesterday evening’s Channel 4 News, between Yasmin Alibhai-Brown and professional slob Rod Liddle, which ended with Ms Brown telling him “I have no words for how much I loathe you”. Fabricant took to Twitter to voice his dislike of her.

“I could never appear on a discussion programme with [Yasmin Alibhai-Brown]. I would either end up with a brain haemorrhage or by punching her in the throat”. Well, that’s intercoursing subtle and no mistake. Cathy Newman, who had refereed the bout in question, attempted a little gentle persuasion: “do you want to rephrase that?” she hinted. Then the house came in on him.

Miriam O’Reilly was not impressed: “‘Punching her in the throat’ – have you lost your mind – you are an MP!” then adding “Let me take a guess at how ‘punching her in the throat’ will go down with the women in your Lichfield constituency”. Jenny Jones was of like mind: “Wow, a bit thin skinned for an MP? And a bit of a dinosaur thinking violence solves anything?” Then the pundits arrived.

James Chapman of the Mail warned “best withdraw the latter part of that one pronto Michael”. Do we have a Guardian person in the house? You betcha, says Sarah: Zoe Williams concurred “I am genuinely sickened by your remarks about Yasmin Alibhai-Brown. This is just thuggishness. This isn’t politics”. So, with a media consensus breaking out, it was time for Fabbers to say sorry. Perhaps.

“Just out of dentist” he told [I somehow figured out it wasn’t a hair appointment]. “It appears that some people who don’t know me think I actually go round punching ‘in the throat’. Not true”. Say sorry, Mike. “If anyone seriously believes I would threaten anyone with violence, I of course withdraw and apologise”. No, apologise properly.

“I am afraid I know I would get very angry if I had been on the Channel 4 debate last night. Glad it was Rod Liddle and not me”. Say sorry, Mike. “So just for the avoidance of any doubt: I am v sorry for Tweet. It was wrong to joke about punching and I completely withdraw and apologise”. So eventually, but only after, it seems, the idiot was threatened with having the Tory whip withdrawn.

Yes, there goes Mike Fabricant, digging himself deeper while remaining deaf to reality – until he was forced to say sorry. What a weapons grade tosser.